404 Not Found Lane, Apt 42, Confusionville 00-000
itsnotmike@notgmail.com


Aspiring professional gamer with a proven track record of getting carried, missing every shot, and finding creative ways to ruin team strategies. Looking for a position where I can bring my unique gaming “skills” to a team that's far better than me, and maybe, just maybe, get a win out of sheer luck.


Unintentional Team Support
Self-Proclaimed MVP (Most Vulnerable Player)
- Consistently delivered underwhelming performances in every game I’ve ever played, with a special talent for not getting any kills in Counter-Strike (except when the enemy walks right in front of me).
- Known for strategically (and unintentionally) distracting opponents by running around like a headless chicken while my teammates clean up the mess.
- Played PUBG where I spent 90% of the game crawling on the ground or getting knocked out by a random grenade that somehow found me.
- Mastered the art of getting shot in the back while looting, only to be saved by teammates who “accidentally” revived me.

Team Clutch Specialist
Gamer Who's Always the Last One Alive
- Held my own in critical moments… when everyone else died first. Managed to survive just long enough to either get downed or contribute nothing to the win.
- Legendary for winning matches by doing absolutely nothing, with victories owed entirely to my teammates who did all the heavy lifting.
- Proudly maintained a 0.2 K/D ratio across most games, showing unparalleled dedication to making sure my team had to work overtime.

Strategic Underperformer
Expert at Missing Shots
- Pioneered the tactic of “spraying in the general direction of enemies and hoping for the best.” Occasionally landed a lucky shot when opponents were either blind or afk.
- Utilized an advanced “panic fire” technique, where I shoot wildly in every direction except the target, somehow confusing everyone, including myself.
- Developed a revolutionary "not even close" strategy, ensuring my shots never hit, but I always look busy.

- Survival Skills - Can somehow always avoid death long enough to watch my teammates finish the match.
- Callouts & Directional Confusion - Expert in panicking and yelling confusing directions like "OVER THERE!" when I have no idea where "there" is.
- Team Coordination (Kind of) - Master of unintentionally ruining plans by sprinting in the wrong direction or running into danger just as my team is trying to execute a strategy.
- Luck-Based Accuracy - Occasionally land shots on enemies purely by luck, and then immediately question whether it was an accident.
- Resilience - Can get downed 12 times in one match and still refuse to quit.


Majored in Getting Killed First with a focus on Staying Alive Long Enough to Die Later


Complaining about my K/D ratio, watching YouTube tutorials that I’ll never actually implement, and making my teammates question their life choices.