I'm not clicking your spam link, sorry homie

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Behold the onion lake east of my beloved HOMEtown.
You who seek the Dark Land, follow its path downstream in search of the key.

As you travel down it, you will see a french fry.
Near that fry, look for the mansion the two will tell you of.
There sleeps the key to the Dark Land.

The one who obtains the key must then travel to the Dark Land in accordance with these rules.

On the first twilight, offer the six chosen by the knight as sacrifices.
On the second twilight, those who seek fun shall cut the strings of the one who is trapped.
On the third twilight, those who remain shall praise his forgotten name.
On the fourth twilight, gouge the head and kill.
On the fifth twilight, gouge the chest and kill.
On the sixth twilight, gouge the stomach and kill.
On the seventh twilight, gouge the knee and kill.
On the eighth twilight, gouge the leg and kill.
On the ninth twilight, the titan shall revive, and none shall be left alive.
On the tenth twilight, at journey's end, you shall attain to the power of the Dark Land's treasures, once and for the last time.

The DOG shall praise the wise and bestow four treasures.
One shall be all the recruits from the Dark Land.
One shall be the residue of a DOG.
One shall be the resurrection of the meme that was lost.
One shall be to put the series to sleep for all time.

YOUR TAKING TOO LONG, my beloved DOG, Toby.