Recent reviews by Kaldaris

I haven't played this game that much but it's pretty good.

I've put a bit of time into this game now, and I feel comfortable reviewing it now. This game is ... Let's be honest. Not for people that don't have patience. Much like games like Dark Souls, or Roguelikes, this game has a pretty frustrating set of mechanics that you have to consistently grapple with. It's a barrier to entry to your enjoyment. While it starts slow, this game is just that, a slow burn. From hunting little monsters like Jagras, to starting into your first hunt against a large monster, the Great Jagras. Nothing seems quite as insulting as being lead by the hand, and that's really my biggest complaint about the start of this game. It leads you by the hand intensely. Thankfully, it does get better. But by then it will have been too late for some people. The game is built on system after system, and while that's appealing to some weird autists, like me, it's not for everyone. That being said, the core gameplay loop looks like this.

Kill Monster.
Make armor and weapons out of parts.
Find new monster to kill.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Thankfully there's enough variety to the monsters and environments that I feel like it never quite gets stale, and once you get used to the game, there's an appealing mindless flow to hunting that tends to give the game a solid sticking point in the 'What am I going to do today? Guess I might as well hunt some monsters' quality it has. The game really shines, more than any other point, in the expeditions. Where you abandon the simple objective of hunting to wander around the dense and richly packed landscapes the game has to offer. Yes, I too miss the sheer glut of locales that old monster hunter games had, but this game has so much to interact with. From random environmental critters, to hidden campsites and cat tribes for you to discover. It's worth the money, and I feel like it's worth your patience. But you will need patience when Black Diabolos stuns you for the fifth time in a row.

Dragon Ball Xenoverse. Oh boy. Oh BOY. DRAGON BALLS. You know who likes balls? Me. I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ love balls. Big balls. Hard balls. Soft balls. Balls with stars in them. Especially dragon balls. This game is pretty good, but it really doesn't have that many balls in it. Could use a less grindy system for acquiring things. That's the big bummer, really. Praying to Gaben only works so much before you find yourself bashing your head against Broly's crotch again, and again, and again. This game is better with friends, but even then, it's pretty easy on even the most difficult endgame missions.

7/10

OH BOY ASSASSIN'S CREED. I'VE NEVER PLAYED ONE OF THESE BEFORE. This game is unique and totally isn't part of an entire franchise built around the same thing! Well. Okay. Maybe it is. But I like the RPG elements. You know. Maybe they should open up a game where you start off as a ♥♥♥♥ covered little street punk that uses RPG elements to advance into the ranks of a full fledged killer. And make it multiplayer. ♥♥♥♥. Why am I not making these games.

It's okay if it doesn't crash, but it's more of the same ♥♥♥♥. Get a friend to play it with you. Good/10

I figured I ought to review this dynasty space ninjas of hellgate london. It's pretty good! For what you get at any rate. I've spent about twenty dollars into this game by now and I can honestly say I don't feel like it's been wasted time! It's a pretty grand game all things considered, it's simple, easy to get into, and the controls don't usually make me feel like a blind man groping for spilled change. At any rate, it's grindy, boring at times, but it's worth the occasional jump into for a purely cooperative experience.

Don't you miss that? When games were purely Co-Op, or had a Co-Op focus? I miss that. What a shame.

So many people ahve reviewed this game! So let me review it too, because I am nothing if not a firm proponent of sucking on the metaphorical phallus of this meaty bandwagon.
So there I was, with my joyous little logitech controller, plugged in and ready to delve and adventure into this nonsenical game, this world of DARK SOULS, when I noticed something strange. What's this? My controls are ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up. How-- How do I get them working? Modding? Oh-- Oh I don't. Because it's literally a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ nightmare, and I'd rather castrate myself than deal with this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ over a bad PC Port. Why the ♥♥♥♥ do developers keep neglecting PC Ports like it isn't more ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ important than the console anyhow? From Software you piece of ♥♥♥♥, your sequel better have controls that don't make me feel like strangling a small jewish villager. I'm going to drag this game onto a USB drive and burn it with the remains of my shattered PC Controller to remove the taint and stench of awful ports from my computer once again.

It was alright. 7/10

AHAHAHAHAH, Hahahahahah, HAHAHAHAH.

I picked a guy with a sword and whacked things until I died and then wouldn't you know it, the game told me I wasn't cool enough to keep playing without paying realcashdollars. Something's ♥♥♥♥♥ up in here. All the same, truly an alpha, don't expect much if you install this virus onto your computer.

The very first time I played this game, I found myself screaming into my microphone because my camera got stuck and I am an unbelievable ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and I died to one zombie gormlessly throwing himself at me like a contender for the Broncos defense at Superbowl 2014. My second death, a malignant window poltergeist grabbed me and promptly defenestrated me through the nearest window, whereupon I phased through it and was launched to my death. My third death, I decided to walk upon battlements to overview my glorious russian kingdom, only for the game engine to decide to put ACME rocket skates on my feet, and I was hurled off the balcony to land and break both legs, bleeding out in horrible fashion whilst a brand new player walked up and finished me off with a few horribly placed blows to my thighs.

But then I killed a man and took his baked beans. This game has a host of bugs that need to be dealt with in it's alpha stage before the developers even worry about adding more art assets. Things like the security of walls should probably be a priority.

The emergent gameplay with players make this an anus clenching roller coaster of fear and betrayal.

What a fantastic game! I bought it for a mere ten of these paper thingies by smashing it fruitlessly upon my monitor. And lo and behold-- the game installed itself! Well, it sure wasn't going to play itself-- What the ♥♥♥♥. What is this? Keyboard controls? Why do these keyboard controls make me feel like murdering a small daschund? Because they blow. They blow chunks and bits. Get a controller for this game if you want to play it without feeling like your hand is a tarantula pounding out a piano symphony. Good game otherwise. Doesn't frustrate me at all, especially for a roguelike. Which is interesting. You know what else is interesting?

Genital warts.

9/10

A blasty explosion of fun and ... Something else entirely. I can't see wat im wiritng anymore bcuz the game has unfortunaetlye fried my eyeballs and i am incable of seeing thigns liek colors now.

10/7