fart


I awake to a cacophony of notification sounds from various social media platforms of which I am a member. Reddit reports the days left-wing propaganda, Twitter the right's. Tinder reminds me I have a date this Wednesday. OnlyFans alerts me to the fact that my subscription has run out, and Instagram reminds me that Debbie Benson's dog has died. Good, I think to myself. I always hated that ♥♥♥♥♥. Debbie I mean. The dog, I was always ambivalent towards. Facebook doesn't notify me of anything because I deleted my account once the ratio of boomers on the platform reached critical mass. Not that I have a problem with boomers per se, it's just that I must at least be seen as hating them because generational tribalism is very much in vogue. After consuming 5 times the daily recommended intake of soy during my breakfast cereal, I make my way to the local Starbucks cafe for my daily caramel frappucino. Once I reach the front of the unnecessarily long queue I am served by a non-gender conforming staff member whose various anti-racism and anti-sexism iconography juxtaposed nicely with her unbridled hatred of me for the color of my skin and the XY chromosome configuration of my DNA. I didn't realize blue whales could survive outside of water, I think to myself. "I'll have my usual" I say in a tone so friendly that it borders on passive aggressive. "Oh and I'll have it... skinny", I continue, making sure I look her dead in the eye when I say the word "skinny". After failing to jump on the property ladder at the age of eleven my only remaining hope of financial freedom is investing in various crypto schemes and NFTs. A moment of sheer panic as I realized my NFT portfolio has lost 99.7% of its worth in 2 days. Who would have thought that an asset with an infinite supply would lose value like that? To take my mind off of the days financial losses I play CS:GO. The dopamine release I get when I murder people virtually is astounding. After getting banned from the murder simulator for using too many bad words, I check my phone to see that the remaining 0.3% of my NFT portfolios value has been decimated. I scroll through social media in bed before I sleep. The blue light ages my skin and interferes with my circadian rhythm but the nihilism that I have internalized reminds me that nothing really matters anyway, thus allowing me to rationalize these objectively bad lifestyle choices. In those precious few moments between putting my phone down and falling asleep, I am finally left alone with my thoughts. Sometimes my mind will wander to the times before society became cringe. When people would hate each other based on their personalities, not their various tribal identities. When color dyed hair indicated an interest in skateboarding, not a mental illness. Just as I begin to hope that this world may one day be possible again, I awake to a cacophony of notification sounds from the various social media platforms of which I am a member.