I don't know what hurts more losing people or losing myself. I try not to be crazy, keep my composure and be strong, I am strong, but weak at the same time, if that even makes sense the mystery behind me isn't cool or exciting, it's depressing. I will always be alone in my mind with my actions, lies, motives. I'll always lose people because I'm at never ending war with myself, I lean on people to save me from myself, when in reality the only who can save me is me. My depression comforted me for so long. I can't blame my fam or the girls who loved me for leaving in the end all there is, is me, it's not rewarding or surprising this character I've become is it even me? Is this what I wanted I'm not sure. The nightmares sleepless night, crazy thoughts, they all play a role. I had someone who could ease it and made it my goal to ruin it literally, she was so good to me. I broke her completely but not only to ruin her but to build her. Now I've reached the point where I can no longer progress I'm in a pond with a canoe rather than in an ocean around me in a sailboat. Nothing excites me, nothing will give me joy for too long, only pain and sorrow is what has made me feel or comfort me. The problem now is that my motives are always surrounded with all these evil intentions. These feelings make me a dark individual and hate myself for that. I hate that person. I've come to think I'm literally a villain at heart. The thing is, villains are necessary for a story to go about but they never find love or comfort in reasonable motive, just the craziest things, when I'm good I'm sad when I'm bad I feel alive. I'd only pray that I found someone who'd figured it out and had the patience to keep me, to disregard the pain and only feed me love. It's selfish of me, I know.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
It’s very hard to be around people who refuse to let go of negativity when they ruminate and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and have happened, the scorns they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life. These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and the positive lessons from what’s happening. Pessimism is one thing but remaining perpetually locked in a negative mindset is another. Only seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a twisted way of thinking and living, and you can't change that.