So, I bought this game a long time ago thinking it was going to be a game where I ran in one direction trying to stay alive.

I was not disappointed in the slightest.

One-way Heroics offers some of the dumbest, funniest, and rediculous gameplay I have ever seen from a rouge-like game.

*Slight spoilers below, you have been warned*

-Hey, I know you're new, but you're supposed to save the world from the left side of the screen since this is sidescrolling and all, and for some reason the left side of the screen is eating everything. GOOD LUCK!

So begins your slow and painful descent into hell.

At the 1st gate of hell you pick your class, name, and perks (assuming you even have any). At first you'll wonder why you only get two classes, and thats because without any foundation the others will either be piss easy to play (IM LOOKING AT YOU PIRATE <3) or even harder to get going than your beginner classes (coughForceUsercough).

At the 2nd circle of hell you wander around on "Walk in the Park" mode (easy mode) and you get the gist of the game....while simultaneously wondering why the fabled final boss meets you at a predetermined point or why they even want to kill you (I still dont remember signing up for this ***....Was I Voluntold?). You also realize multiplayer is a lie, as ghosts of people who may have died in that world you signed up to plop into dont seriously help when you're being swarmed by Zubats when night falls on the open plains.

At the 3rd circle of hell you die because an imp threw a rock too hard at your skull....or a skeleton was spawned in and one shot you with its nifty sword....or you got trapped in the damn DESERT and harpies ended up swarming your soon-to-be carcass. You die, get a crappy score, get some really lame advice and useless critiques from Navi the Fairy, maybe even some halfway tips, and you start over because you refuse to take your beating lying down.

At the 4th circle of hell you beat the game once and get an ending that leaves too many things open. So you start again, probably on a higher difficulty because you havent learned your lesson from being nearly incinerated and eaten by wild dingos. This was a mistake, as now you have to deal with your old AND new anus being torn asunder because enemies are hitting like speeding bullet trains and you just left the Shire.

At the 5th circle of hell you start getting more endings because you keep beating the game, but now with some of those elusive bonus companions at your side. You meet Elodie after you beat Long Live the Queen (she clearly took nothing but combat classes this time), Azir-Finally here-Emperor Pigeon, Alphonse Elric, an edgy Male Gunner from DFO, a defenseless Loli, a nurse that's crying because you chewed her out for being a dog girl instead of a cat girl, and money grubbing panty mercenary who doesnt actually care about panties. Their endings flesh out their characters, but you still dont know what the hell is going on (or why the left side of the screen continues to devour the game like its stocking up for hibernation every time you start the game again).

At the 6th circle of hell you decide to just ignore the final boss and journey until the game makes you stop. This results in many a death and many late nights wondering why the ♥♥♥♥ you bought this game. Eventually you reach the end of the world (cause the world really is flat guys, school lied to you) and you finally understand that this game is just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ with you over and over until you get it right.

At the 7th circle of hell you attempt to fix the left side of the screen, only to be eaten and or incinerated by it......now everything becomes clear to you and you know what you need to do.

At the 8th circle of hell you get some Cheesy Puffs, some Dew, and prepare your quad-anuses (btw you should have a minimum of 4 now) for tons of save scumming because of all of the save crystals you hoarded in your Dimensional Vault between worlds; clears or deaths. You finally beat the game and you throw yourself into the next circle of hell because nothing matters anymore.

At the 9th circle of hell you melt your computer because now you have to buy the DLC and experiance being Anakin Skywalker, Naruto, and some random tourist to Disney World to get all the achievements in the game.
Time and time again you are going to want to chuck your keyboard/laptop wondering what new ways the game can come up with to cheapshot you and why you just took 600 damage because a bear decided to ♥♥♥♥ your ♥♥♥♥ up. This game (on higher difficulties) will tear you a new one and laugh as you try to tape your anus back together. On lower difficulties.....itll only happen 1 or 2 times because you'll pick up enough situational awareness to not get your eyes torn out of their sockets while you were exploring or trying to reach that one item tucked inbetween 30 tiles of mountain when all you know how to do is dash around like Sanic the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Hedgehog, trying to figure out how many items you can get before the left side of the screen eats you again.. Eventually you realize that you spent over 60 hours on a game where all you do is go right and try to survive when you suddenly dont get any food for 700 kms, or you get 4 consecutive corrupted lands and the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ wolfmen and dragonkin swarm your position after all your weapons snap in half from all the fighting, or you blow up because you got set on fire and forgot to chuck that Elzite bomb you got 2 minutes into a run.

As you enter the Nth Circle of hell you realize that this was all only worth it if you can somehow make and achieve some sort of goal. You didnt, and you laugh as you realize this game has seared your soul and you will never be the same again.

10/10 would auto-pilot into a lava tile again.