Recent reviews by SlimyDork

Welcome to Abiotic Factor, a game where you must survive an average day at a Blizzard Entertainment office, complete with slimy beasts, deformed coworkers, robots who punch your bones out of your body, and men open-carrying in the office. Just like the real thing!!!

You must craft, survive, and eat various piles of dirt and mud, because the only other available form of sustenance is stolen breast milk and smoked dead children. Just like the real thing!!!

Travel to many realms, such as Vaper's Hill, a land where 85% of all oxygen is now watermelon vape juice, teeming with lanky idiots who want to put your delicious blood and marrow into their vapes, for that signature dead person taste!!!
Or perhaps you would rather travel to Walmart, a wondrous land where it is always Black Friday, and every customer wants to stomp your brains into a pure, all-natural smoothie. Observe as they trample old ladies, then de-bone them so they can use their femurs as stilts to reach the Spitting Scooby-Doo Action Figure for their ugly children, who will instead watch Peppamelon on their 240p tablet.

I don't care about the other realms

If you don't trust MY word about this splendid game, then maybe some IGN reviews will make you not run out of the room and abuse your family members

"I tried to throw spears at my neighbour's pets after playing this game, and he blew a baseball-sized hole through my chest." -(The Late) Andrew Brussel

"That little spinning grub thing scared me so frigging much that I ran out of my room as fast as I could and punched my baby sister into a puddle, I've been sentenced to life in prison, 10/10 experience!!!" -White Jordan, The Imprisoned One

"This game taught my little brother to try and lift our fridge over his back, and now his spine is so broken that I can use him as my new desk chair, thank you!!!" -George Crust, Software Engineer at NASA

As you can see, only the truly deranged can get anything positive out of a wretched experience such as this game. I recommend it slightly more than I recommend having your skin peeled off. Needless to say, I give it the highest recommendation!!!

"This game will make you smirk to one ear" -Brown Jordan, Software Engineer

"I got so scared by my friend walking in my general direction with a shovel that I browned like a squid inking except with feces and ran out of my bedroom and asked my momma to sue my friend. We lost and my friend got 1.6 million dollars from emotional damages before he put all the money into crypto and lost everything and died." -Irwin Mulch, Molecular Bacteriologist

"I threw a pipe wrench at my little sister's head." - David Leggings, Pond Scum Collector


Yep, these IGN reviews say a lot, but is this game really worth paying the hard-earned golden coins you worked so long for in the uranium mines??? Let's take a look!!!!

In this game, you play as up to four mouth-breathing, slobbering oafs, who need to pay for a new PlayStation 6, scalped for a reasonable price on EBay for upwards of $18,000 USD, a price any of us could pay by merely sneezing money out of our wallets, unless you're a knuckle-dragging moron who signed a contract with Jeff Bezos to scour the most deadly crack dens in the galaxy for bags of frozen peas and spare NVIDIA GeForce RTX 4090's laying around to sell for three nickels and a pack of already opened and already chewed gum.

If you don't feed Jeff enough stupid garbage within the time given, something cool and oddly controversial will happen. The game will show you photos of you naked around your house and then post them online, whilst also killing you and all your friends. In the video game, of course, you won't die IRL hahaaha. But your nudes will be posted online for real.

Unfortunately, THE SNOWFLAKES will soon make this unplayable because apparently "taking pictures of you naked" and "posting those pictures online without your permission" is a big deal. So enjoy the game while it lasts...

Wendell Tully, famed crack cook/scientist/entrepreneur POGS as he puts his eye into a stupid microscope and realizes that crack can be enjoyed for longer if you are really small, and instantly shrinks himself to the size of a pea, but forgets to shrink a crack pipe to smoke his crack, so he enlists four idiot children to scour the Yard™ in search of his lost Omega Crack Pipe™ schematics while he sobs in a corner because he can't get his fix of crack for more than six minutes.

Craft tools and makeshift crack pipes to sate your gnawing crack addiction whilst you laugh in Dr. Tully's face for being such a stupid FOOL, but beware, for there are big yet also small insectoids and other multi-limbed morons who dare stand in the path of your crack-induced rage.

Battle up to four different arthropods, each with their own movesets and longswords which they will use to behead small children.


You will fight Spiderious, The Sworn Addict. A eight-limbed man who is sworn to kill children for fun and smoke crack

Beelzeboy, The Boy Who Smoked. Literally a flat stock photo PNG of a smirking child in a fly costume from Spirit Halloween, go away

Uncle Aphid, He Who Touched Beelzeboy. Convicted felon and current crack addict, you can defeat him by pushing over his mobility scooter

DARK Tully, The Racist One. Literally just a clone of Dr. Tully wearing blackface, who is resistant to having objects thrown at him, but is weak to having a thermonuclear explosive dropped on his house


When you finish the game, Dr. Tully finishes the perfect crack pipe and smiles directly into the camera with brown teeth before taking a single hit and dying instantly, the children are all grown back to normal, except with random parts of their bodies not growing with them, a rather silly and giggle-worthy ending

In conclusion, I recommend this game about as much as I recommend having a leather shoe thrown as hard as possible at my head, which is to say extremely

In this gasoline-fume and glue fume-fueled adventure, you are thrown by a moderately large man, and leader of the Intergalactic Crack Cartel onto a planet full of rich crack deposits, and all manner of crack-addicted creatures that want to suck the marrow from your bones (it's just another form of crack). Build a big stupid ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ugly factory to increase crack production, and appease your large crack-addicted masters in comically large business suits, who also drag massive crack cigars in one drag (they are really scary). Once you unlock better means of powering your crack factory (your cracktory if you will), your wallet will be PACKED with CrackBux™, and can finally afford a cup that may or may not hold liquid. Overall this game sucks and I want to lock myself inside of a trap intended for King Crabs while it is being deployed after playing this game. I would recommend it 100%, very fun!!!

I was going to write a funny review, but GW decided that jacking the price of a 2011 game was a good idea, lmao
60 USD for a game that was released over a decade ago. Yet again, Games Workshop flexes its atrocious marketing skills.

Yes, I recommend the game, but holy hell. Buy this game on a key reseller site, GW doesn't deserve your money.

Mehrunes Dagon plays Days Gone and immediately decides to commit war atrocities.

These dwarves are SMOKED on CRACK.

Management needs you to mine crack rocks pleas epleas please please please please please we will pay you for crack pleaese pelase eplalse please please

Embark on an adventure through the crack-addled caverns of Hoxxxes IV, a planet renowned for its rich crack veins and also other ores that I don't care about piss off

But there are dangers lurking beneath the surface of Coxxes IV. Bugs infused with PURE CRACK ENERGY, crack-addled 7-11 hobos, crack overdose, and of course, Control lurking the halls with a shotgun because you took five minutes too long to gather enough crack.

Overall, this game is pretty nifty in a way, and made my eyebrows quiver a few times. Definitely pick it up if you want another addiction besides smoking crack. Personally, I had a hard time balancing the two, but maybe you'll fare better than I.

In this absolutely bone-chilling game, you play as Spyro. A purple monster who is now forced to re-live his time in World War I, II, and III as punishment for his sins. Spyro will battle the Three Opponents™, a group of racist stupid idiot fools who will stop at nothing to render Spyro into a purple paste.
Let me describe these adversaries for you, my son/daughter/goblin/foul wretch.

Gnasty Gnorc is a flagrant racist and loves to grind newborn infants into toothpaste, for that signature baby shine. Gnasty loves to browse Reddit on a regular basis, so you won't feel any remorse when you turn him into a corpse.

Ripto is a recovering meth addict and recent crack addict. After the Professor opens a portal to Louisiana, your typical Louisiana resident shoots through the portal. A former Grand Wizard, Ripto boasts ultimate power, and threatens to take over Avalar and transform it into a clone of Louisiana. Spyro, having three black friends on Discord, takes this personally, and kills Ripto instantly with a 9mm through the skull.

The Sorceress is the ultimate lifeform of the Spyro universe, and the only villain in the series who is confirmed to have an OnlyFans. But she is also racist because she said the N-word once in 2011, so Spyro kills her and then smiles into the camera and the game ends.

This game is very good and you will like it. Personally, I would have sex with 70% of all characters in this game. Very nice.

In this scary ocean game, you play as a man/female creature whom commits heinous acts of violence against innocent dead people and regular alive people. Assemble your own crack addict crew, or sail alone and experience true paranoia and anxiety as you constantly anticipate a cannonball being lodged directly up your left nostril.

But what about the cool pirate factions??????
I can't be bothered to cover them all, here's the ones I want to who cares ♥♥♥♥ off

The Gold Hoarders are very scary goblin beings who absorb gold into their bodies to become golden crack addicts. Much fun to be had with these freaks.

The Order of Souls is a faction dominated solely by green witches. They seek to extract crack recipes from the dead, believing they will find a more delicious and tangy crack. Bring them skulls of undead pirates who died from crack overdose with their captains. Sink their crack ships and haul back as many crack boxes as you can carry.

The Merchant Alliance takes a different approach to business in these treacherous seas. They will buy precious materials and boxes of crack from players who have just a little too much (no such thing). You can take merchant quests from these fellows, which involves picking up packages of rum bottles and other stupid baby things to be sold to random people on stupid islands. Go ahead and sell off all 7 rum bottle containers you got to one person and wait for them to die from liver failure so you can take their pristine crack rocks.

Reaper's Bones is a faction of crack addicts who couldn't hold a stable job to buy more crack, so they steal it from others. Beware of Reaper ships, for the occupants of these vessels want your precious crack, as they are suffering from withdrawal. Never let Reapers take your well-earned crack. Fight for your crack, or die a crackless coward.

XCOM 2 is a game where aliens attempt to extract the penis essence from the human race. Sail across the skies in your big stupid jet thing and run into Dexter's Laboratory, where your own personal scientific goblin man conducts research on the balls of aliens.
Grab aliens, shoot walls, and run directly into a blob man and watch helplessly as it immediately slaps your ass into three pieces.