All those who fail to respect my authority are in league with Vampire Jesus!

Now, some of you may be wondering: "Who the ♥♥♥♥ is Vampire Jesus?". Well, I'm about to tell you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Jesus is VAMPIRE JESUS!!!

Here is my very rational explanation of this:
1. HE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD! OUT OF A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ CAVE!!! Some of you may bring up the point that he was stabbed near the heart. Well you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ christians, it was the ribs!

2. Vampire's are afraid of crosses. Why? Because their leader was killed on it!

3. He wanted to convert people, aka, turn them into VAMPIRES!

4. His desciples (Vampiric followers) drank his blood and ate his flesh!

5. He "walked" on water, may as well be flight!

6. Pale white skin.

If any of you are thinking of arguing that he is not a vampire with the fact that he walked around during daytime, I got one word for you! DAYWALKER! HAVE NONE OF YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ SEEN BLADE!?!?!?!?!?