You're pretty

Shaking hands with a woman is like shaking hands with a child. It seems artificial and vaguely patronizing. The handshake was designed as a greeting between men to show that your sword hand was empty.

Why a ♥♥♥♥ as big as the Eiffel tower is not as impressive as you may think in Kendrick Lamar's "Backseat Freestyle," Kendrick says the line, "I pray my ♥♥♥♥ get big as the Eiffel Tower, So I can ♥♥♥♥ the world for seventy-two hours". While at first a ♥♥♥♥ as big as the Eiffel tower may seem to be a dong of immense magnitude, when taking into account the sheer size of earth, the lucky one to be ♥♥♥♥♥♥ by this ♥♥♥♥, we realize that it is not as spectacular as the young MC claims it to be. The Eiffel tower stands at 1063 feet, while the diamater of earth is approximately 41.804 million feet. If Kendrick inserts his Eiffel penis into the earth, his ♥♥♥♥ would only take up .000025 percent of the earth's vagina. That is pathetic. Kendrick is not ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ the world for 72 hours with his Eiffel tower micropenis. The Earth will get bored after 10 minutes and finish herself with a vibrator the size of Argentina. Be better Kendrick.

Pro tip: I used to have a shy bladder until I had to work in an office with a 2 urinal bathroom. Remembering that somebody once said urinating is dominant Behavior, I started to say in my head "I pee bigger than you" and stare directly at the wall in front of me. Worked like a charm. Now when using the stall I pee dirrcyly into the water making as much noise as possible instead of hitting the side too quiet my stream. I'm the f****** Alpha pisser.

Being a hentai actress must be so weird. Imagine this: you’re in a soundproof room pleasurably screaming into an 800,000¥ microphone about how much you love old man ♥♥♥♥ at 10:47 AM on a Tuesday in October while your 45-year-old boss oversees you through a glass window from the other room. You eventually look up after 2 hours of practicing your unnaturally high-pitched moans and see him give you a big thumbs up as you pretend to have an orgasm.

Who else pretends their penis is a gear shift lever when it gets hard and pretends to shift from Reverse to 1st gear, 2nd gear, 3rd gear, 4th gear, and finally 5th gear?

Usually when my penis gets hard I’d just masturbate it off but recently I’ve just been getting tired of masturbating. It just not the same anymore. It puts me right to sleep, gets ♥♥♥ all over me, and I just been feeling miserable and dirty after it.

Now, my alternative has been pretending it is a gear shift lever on a manual car. It can be pretty funny.

I seriously hope I’m not the only one.

WARNING: YOU IT’S EASY TO HURT YOUR PENIS WHILE PRETENDING IT’S A GEAR SHIFT LEVER. REPLICATE THIS PRACTICE ONLY AT YOUR OWN RISK.