🧠 Certified Strat Caller (by accident)

🔫 90% aim, 10% prayer, 100% failure

🎖️ Global Elite in panic

🥇 MVP of warming the bench

🧃 Hydrated gamer. Skills dry tho.

💼 CEO of Rushing B (and dying)

🥔 Potato Aim Specialist since 2014

📜 Stat Lines That Tell a Story
K/D: No
Headshot %: Statistically irrelevant
Mouse DPI: 12,000 — I spin for intimidation
Clutch Wins: Emotionally
Smoke Lineups: What’s that?
Reaction Time: Depends on the mood
Top Map: Dust 2 (because I can spell it)

💬 Fake Reviews / Testimonials
“He tried to defuse a smoke.” – Random Teammate
“I watched him flash himself 3 times in 1 round.” – Valve Bot
“Global Elite? More like Global Embarrassment.” – Mom
“He ran through molly yelling ‘YOLO’.” – Terrorist Side Witness
“He made the Negev meta. Accidentally.” – Patch Notes, probably

🐔 CS2 Role Breakdown
Entry Fragger (into bullets)

Lurker (forgot to leave spawn)

AWPer (blind but hopeful)

Support (emotionally)

IGL (calls strats like "go kill")

🛠️ Settings Confessions
Crosshair: Yellow, because it matches my cowardice
Sensitivity: Too high, like my ego
Res: 4:3 stretched. To stretch the truth
Bindings: F = drop weapon, G = drop career

🧍‍♂️Personal Quotes Section
“If I’m not bottom frag, the match is rigged.”
“Flashbangs are just spicy light.”
“They can't wallbang if there's no wall. I blew it up.”
“Smoke mid? I am the smoke.”
“Rush B, pray, scream. Repeat.”

📦 Inventory Flex (or Lack Thereof)
💰 $0 invested, $3000 emotionally

🧱 Favorite skin: Default Knife

🔫 Doppler Dreams, Sand Dune Reality

🐍 Opened 1400+ cases. Got depression.

It was a crisp, laggy evening. The kind of night where your teammates' mics sound like dial-up internet and your crosshair is purely decorative. I, a proud CS2 strategist (translation: reckless with conviction), spawned in Mirage with $800, high hopes, and a ping that could legally drink.

First round? Easy. I bought a flashbang and threw it directly into my own face. Blinded myself, my team, and possibly a pigeon flying overhead. The callout? "Trust me, it's a strat." They did not. We lost A site faster than I lose elo.

By round 3, I was economically devastated. No worries though—eco round Negev time, baby. I waddled into B apps with the grace of a drunken rhino, suppressing fire like I was auditioning for an action movie filmed entirely by mistake. The bullets didn't hit enemies, but they hit hearts. And one teammate. He reported me.

Midway through the match, I smoked top mid so disastrously, my GPU started coughing. My screen looked like a vape convention, and I swear I saw my motherboard give me a thumbs-down. Did it help our AWPer? No. Did it help the enemy? Yes. Did I apologize? Only in Morse code using my bullet spread.

Let’s talk spray control. You know how the AK-47 has a specific recoil pattern? Mine’s more of a freestyle. Every kill is a Jackson Pollock painting of chaos. One time I aimed for CT, and the bullet hit a chicken on B. That’s 1 kill on the board though—top fragger (if you count poultry).

I peeked long, saw the Grim Reaper holding an AWP, and immediately folded like a lawn chair. My corpse still echoes “WHERE???” in voice chat to this day.

One clutch moment, it was 1v5. The team muted me out of emotional self-preservation. I had the bomb. I had hope. I had... a Zeus. I jumped from heaven with the grace of a caffeinated dolphin, screamed “SURPRISE!”, missed, and was immediately domed. The enemy typed “?” in chat. I typed back “performance art.”

Oh, and case openings? I’ve opened more cases than the FBI and got less out of it. My last drop was a P90 | Sand Dune that came with an existential crisis and a coupon for disappointment. I equipped it anyway. Style over substance.

I don’t defuse bombs—I reason with them. “Come on man, think of the hostages!” didn’t work, but I earned style points for trying. As for callouts? I once screamed “THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!” and my team uninstalled.

And yet, despite it all—despite the misthrows, misfires, and general misuse of common sense—I remain. Not because I’m good, but because I refuse to log off. My KD is tragic, my strats are criminal, but my passion? God-tier.

They say legends are born. I say legends are flashbanged at spawn, TK their team, and still ask for a drop next round.

CS2: where aim is optional, and comedy is guaranteed.