BAGATOV FILMS: My name is Borat. I like you. I like sex. It's nice. This is my country of Kazakhstan. It is located between Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan... and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Uzbekistan. This is my town of Kuzcek. This is Urkin, the town rapist. Naughty, naughty. Over here, our town kindergarten. And here lives Mukhtar Sakanov... town mechanic and abortionist. This is my house. Entry, please. He is my neighbor, Nursultan Tulyakbay. He is a pain in my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock radio, he cannot afford. Great success. This is Natalya. She is my sister. She is number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. Nice. This is my mother. She is the oldest woman in the whole of Kuzcek. She is 43. I love her. And this is my wife, Oxana. She's boring. What did you say about me, you skinny piece of ♥♥♥♥? Not now, please. Why don't you do something useful and dig your mother a grave. Come in here, please. Ignore that. This is where I live. My bed. This is a VCR recorder. And this plays cassettes. Now I show you outside my house. My hobbies, Ping-Pong... sunbathing... disco dancing... and on weekends, I travel to the capital city... and watch ladies while they use the toilet. My profession is working as a television reporter for Kazakhstan. Please, see.

THE RUNNING OF THE JEW 2004

Here comes the Jew. It's a big one this year. Whoa... He nearly got the money there. Wait, here comes Mrs. Jew. She's stopped. Is she? Is she? Here it comes. She's laid a Jew egg. Go, kids! Crush that Jew chick before he hatches! Although Kazakhstan is a glorious country, it has problems too. Economic, social, and Jew. This is why the Ministry of Information has decided to send me to the U.S. and A... the greatest country in the world, to learn lessons for Kazakhstan. I will travel with the most venerable producer, Azamat Bagatov. Azamat. No, not film me! Film him. Urkin, not too much raping... humans only. Doltan, I'll get you a new arm in America. I go to America! America! Wave goodbye to your clock radio, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! If you cheat on me, I will come over there... and snap off your ♥♥♥♥.

JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, New York City.

I arrived in America's airport with clothes, U.S. dollars... and a jar of ♥♥♥♥♥ tears to protect me from AIDS. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. Hello, my name is Borat. I am not American. I am new in town. Nice to meet you. Hello, nice to meet you. Hey, what’s your name? My name is mind your own ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ business. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. Oh, hello. Nice to meet you. My name is Borat. - What's happening? - Nice to meet you. Get the ♥♥♥♥ out of here before I break your jaw, bro. - Yo, step the ♥♥♥♥ off, bro. - Okay. Okay. - You're ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ with the wrong one, man. - Okay. Sorry. Oh, ♥♥♥♥. Okay, okay, wait. I get it. Please, relax. I'll get him! Careful, he might bite. - Hey, man, what are you doing? - Okay, relax. Okay. Okay. Okay, relax. Okay. Okay, wait. Okay, no problem. Sorry.

Welcome to the Wellington Hotel.
GUY BORGES, Manager, Wellington Hotel.

Do you want to pay for the entire stay now? - I pay for one night. How much? - Fine. One night is $117.13. We'll call it 85. No, we will call it 117. Let me get the door for you. Come on in. Very nice. Very nice room. We're not in the room yet, sir. Hold on. You might want to repack. We're going to be moving again shortly. I will not move to a smaller room. Sir, this is your floor. I'm going to take you to your room. - This is not my room? - This is the elevator. It takes you to the floor where your room is. Nice. Nice. King in the castle. King in the castle. I have a chair. I have a chair. Oh, go do this. Go do that. King in the castle.

Hello, nice to meet you. My name is Borat. I am new in town. - Get away from me. - I just- I kiss you, say hello. It arrive. Hello, my name is Borat. I am new in town. - I say hello and I- - Do not touch me. - Do not get near my face. - I kiss you. Yeah, you kiss me, I'll pop you in the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ balls. What does "balls" mean? Very nice. Very nice. How much? Hello, nice to meet you. My name is Borat. Get away! What are you doing? Wait, I want to say hello. What is the problem? This has been the happiest day of my life. I am very excited to start my report.

America is known for its sense of humor. UN survey says Kazakhstan has the 98th lowest humor. We must improve. Hurry, hurry. Just dry him, no hand relief. How is my back hair? Not bad. Moist. So what time is this interview? Soon, my friend. Gently. Enough!

Hello. My name's Pat Haggerty.
"PAT HAGGERTY - Humor Coach"

Nice to meet you. Borat. - Nice to meet you. Should I make a joke about my mother-in-law? Yes. In America, that's a very popular joke. - Do you have a mother-in-law joke? - Yes. I had sexy time with my mother-in-law. - A what time? - Sexy time. I made sexy time with my mother-in-law. - You had sex with your mother-in-law? - Yes. I don't think that Americans would find that funny. - No, it is not a joke. - Yeah. We're talking about humor. Yes, you asked me about my mother-in-law. Do you have a joke about her? No, why make a joke about a mother-in-law?

Do you ever laugh at people with a retardation? Here in America we try not to make fun of... or joke about things that people don't choose. But perhaps you have not seen someone with a very funny retardation. My brother, Bilo, has a very funny retardation. Mental retardation causes a lot of pain and hardship for many families. Sometimes my sister, she shows her vagina to my brother, Bilo, and says: "You will never get this! You will never get this!" He is behind his cage, crazy, crazy. Everybody laughs. She goes, "You never get this!" But one time, he breaks the cage and he gets this. And then we all laugh. High five! Now... No, that would not be funny in America, okay?

What is "not" jokes? A "not" joke is when we're trying to make fun of something... and we make a statement that we pretend is true... but, at the end, we say, "Not," which means it's not true. So teach me how to make one.

All right, what color is your suit? - This suit is gray. Gray, I would call it blue, okay? - It's gray. - All right, it's blue-gray. But it's certainly not black, right? - Let's say it's gray, but- - It is gray. Okay, so a "not" joke, I would say: "That suit is black. Not!" This suit is not black. - No, "not" has to be at the end. - Oh, okay. This suit is black, not. This suit is black. Pause- You know what a pause is? - Yes. - This suit is black. Not! This suit is black. Pause. Not. No, you don't say "pause." This suit is black. That's a pause. Not! This suit is black. Okay... - I don't- I'm not- - Not!