Recent reviews by Dan Rather Did Nothing Wrong

So, if you love things like Super Mario Bros. and Ghosts & Goblins and all that. And, if you love other things like Binding of Isaac and FTL and all that. Well, you are going to run around this castle pooping with glee.

You've probably read that you can play as a gay dwarf or a stereo-blind assassin or whatever. And that's cool.

Basically, there's some kind of mystery going on and your lineage keeps dashing into this big ole creepy castle because ... ADVENTURE. FAMILY. HUBRIS. Maybe the generation you're playing as will be the best castle explorer/fighter ever. Probably you'll die.

But along the way you'll earn some gold. Through the magics of big ole creepy castles, all your gold will -- I dunno -- teleport or something back to your family manor. (NOT A SPOILER ALERT: I have no idea how this works. I have a feeling it is part of the mystery and maybe there's a big twist at the end where you find out something like ... the current manor is the past castle.) However it works, your color-blind son or gigantic daughter gets to buy some sweet new genetic traits with all that gold, and while you're doing that your manor gets bigger.

Dash to castle. Die. Repeat.

Oh. Also these three weirdos build a camp in between the manor and the castle. And they have armor and weapons and enchantments OR can freeze the castle the way you last saw it. FOR A PRICE.

So, do that or don't do that. Then dash back into the castle. Kill flying wizard ghosts. Stab some giant skulls. Head out to the garden. To the haunted attic. Or to the scary basement. (You're more likely to die in each of those respectively.)

As your family gets cooler and fiercer and dark artsier, you can venture a little longer and get more golds and build a cooler, fiercer, dark artsier gene pool.

It's fun.

If you're not a huge 2D platformer fan, you'll enjoy it but you probably won't be all like BINDINGOFISAACISTHEBESTGAMEEVER all over it, unlike Binding of Isaac or FTL or Risk of Rain.

BUT. If 2D platformers are amongst your things. Be sure to bring a rag to clean up after yourself. Because that castle might be your manor. (HONESTLY. I HAVE NO IDEA.)

The longer you stay on this hellhole of a planet, the tougher things will get.

But you're stranded. So. Please start moving.

The inherit challenge of Risk of Rain is to balance speed with thoroughness. Dwell any particular region longer and you're bound to discover (and be able to afford) an array of random weaponry which stacks together in clever ways, turning your hopeless vagrant into a prayed-for messiah. But there's that catch ... the longer you dwell in one zone, the more infernal the next will be. So as you fight simply to survive, you'll also be gauging time and charting hypothetical routes through the mysterious wasteland ... hoping to come across the right combination of moneys, chests and sacrificial totems in efficient order.

Aside from the planet's devious armory, your years on the frontier have supplied you with a certain set of skills. Regardless of your profession, these core skills usually take form in a weak-ish basic attack, a middling form of crowd control, some type of evasion, and a signature ability (think of this as the one that won you all that money on The Universe's Got Talent: Killing Edition). Each time you use a skill - beyond the basic attack - you'll have to wait a few seconds before you can use it again. As that one random monster crab is quickly joined by every casual acquiantance from his apparently quite-social life, those seconds can seem like an eternity. But you'll need to use those skills with abandon - conservation is for another time and place.

Again. Don't stop.

As your deaths accumulate, Risk of Rain becomes a game about learning the ins-and-outs of an alien frontier while constantly pushing yourself to discover new corners of its relentless universe.

Your only choice of profession at the start is a fine-tuned but vanilla-bean commando. But just as you begin to master your skills, you'll unlock a new, entirely unique character to possibly nudge your game progress further. Trust those who have come before: The new characters will often feel useless on the first playthrough. At some point, you'll wrap your brain around the death-delivering potential of each. And as you pour gallons of acid across shadowy plains or single-shot the entire health bar of one of the game's gargantuan bosses, you will learn to feel invincible ... for a minute or two at least.

Each of the planet's progressively elaborate environments includes a familiar basic layout from play to play, but its random generation makes each play just uncomfortable enough to force you to make decisions on the fly. Level talk is boring, but do note: the surprisingly elaborate final stage is reward in itself.

Risk of Rain is a game that requires skill and cunning ... but not so much skill and cunning to be abusive. It drops a torrent of challenges on you ... while giving you delightful ways to overcome them. To this survivor: It's earned a place in the Roguelike Temple of Elders.

Be sure to visit.

Just remember to keep moving.

So let's say that Battlestar Galactica crashed into the Enterprise and then everything got all 16-bit. And X-COM was there. That is FTL. Like a dream. The space game that feels like a space game should. A tale of blockade-busting, slave-freeing heroics in the face of hopelessness.

You will send many crews and many ships to their destruction. And as you develop the skill to keep them in piece for just a little while longer, you will become a cocky-ass bastard, velour space suit and all. If this game is missing one thing, it is the bedding of alien princesses (or princes!).

[iphone woodchime rings] Hello? - Yeah, it's me. - Not bad; how are you? - I've been playing it too. - Yeah, it's absolutely striking. The little world they've created is enormous and it's deeper than a salt mine. - Right. - Cave Johnson, yeah. - Oh, all three of the voiceover characters are fantastic but it's absolutely GLADos' game. And, you know, the three act structure lets them stretch the game without it getting tiring. They flow well too: very Bioshock-esque. - Plus, you forget that you're doing puzzles slash science at times. - Well and that's the crazy thing, right: It makes Half Life feel small. - Can't wait for them to bring this new storytelling and design skill back to Black Mesa. - Yeah, let's do it. See you in-game.