Well, it was Christmas time once again and there dext was at the Mall of America’s Santa Claus auditions. The hiring manager, a small weasely man with glasses explained why they had let go the previous Santa. Yikes, dext thought. “Repeat after me. Ho Ho Ho” the hiring manager said as he rehearsed with each of the candidates one by one. A squat, Hawaiin man in long jorts repeated “Jo jo jo.” A fat hick in a Bud Lite T-shirt repeated “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.” A small olive skin boy said “suck my ♥♥♥♥ weetard.” A large smelly woman was visibly shaking and saying “REEEEE REEe REEEE.” A fat, white loud blapper said “who ordered the uber?”It was finally dext’s turn. God these other people sucked. Dext filled his chest with air and did his best “Ho Ho Ho.”

The manager was visibly stirred, taken aback. “That’s not bad, not bad at all!” I think we have our Santa! Just as the manager extended his hand to shake dext’s a thunderous, stuttering noise came from the street outside beyond the window. “HEUH HEUH HEUH” Immediately the color drained from the manager’s face. No… no… it… it couldn’t be. He was in Antarctica! He was banned from being Santa! He had court conditions to stay away! The manager turned in disbelief. And there he stood. Nightmares cometh. 6’6 pale white. Hairy chested. Unkempt hair. Wire frame glasses. Frothing at the mouth. Heavily muscled, heavily breathing and no smarter than a 3 month old orangutan. Wearing nothing but a bulging and stained red thong. With a red veldt Santa overcoat draped around his shoulders. In his left hand, the craigslist job ad, printed. In his right hand, a shovel.

Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright. Shovel breaks the window. Original steps through the shattered opening. Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child. Holy Infant so tender and mild. Blappin makes for the door like an overflowing tub of chocolate pudding. Mclovin’ slowest of the lot, falls down “my leg!MY LEG!” Tuna and kitt3n instinctively drop to their knees and open their mouths. Mr Yeffery discards his Yamakuh like a Frolf Frisbee. Steven waits for the death blow, at least the wife won’t nag him anymore. The manager runs for the exit in slow motion. Original closes the gap like Mr. Larson in the parking lot. “HOLD STILL.” Shrieks. Shovel. Skull. Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace. Silent night, holy night. Dexty quake at the sight.

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Simply the end!

Rockin around the Christmas tree at the Xmas Party Hop. It was the annual XA xmas party! 32 people packed in Steven’s 10by10 toolshed. Kitt3n was hanging mistletoe everywhere. Spor had his Ms dressed as Elves. Brucey held a bible and spoke about the true meaning of Xmas. JAWSler was lecturing on the superiority of a white xmas. Dext was flirting with smiyo, philly, hobokitty, ducky and bex. Steven was flirting with Tuna, Selbs, Mav and the 6 Dannys. Mr. Yeffery stood near the window streaming 8Crazy Nights on his phone while on the lookout for Palestinian protestors. Mclovin and deebo sat by the fire smoking cigars talking about real estate and immigration. Blap hid in the closet, insulting everyone who walked by and asking if Alejo was there. Windmill stood outside selling salvation for 1$ and slugz hotboxed his car surrounded by nonsteamers and Dr. Kari, unable to enter the party. Nobody had seen original_mind.

Crim said “Steven where is Santa?” “I booked a new one this year.” The music suddenly changed. Everybody dance now! The door burst open it was Santa! He was half naked! He was thrusting his pelvis, gyrating his hips and twerking his ass. He wore a red thong speedo with a long white beard hanging from the front. Oh ♥♥♥♥. He was coming right for Crim. He was rubbing his balls on Crim. Something was sticking out beneath Santa’s crotch beard. Was it his penis? No! It was the tip of a slice of cheese pizza. Crim said “original is that you?” A deep, stuttering voice returned “the mall fired me. Oh! heuheuhheuh” He looked at his watch “My fast just ended.” Original took the pizza that was stuffing his crotch and ate it. Then he burped. Pieces of wet cheese and pubic hair hit Crim’s face. Crim tasted it “I’ve tasted more sour cheese pubes than these.” Crim thought of the time he ate Kitt3ns cooter. Xmas was saved!