Recent reviews by Clokwerk (Lugubrious)

What world am I living in where Nintendo is charging 100$ CAD just to unlock the framerate on a 10-year-old game, and Bethesda is out here selling their full remaster with DLC included for 60$??? Is it opposite day???

I expected this to be more glossy, triple-A trash but it actually feels quite good in moment to moment gameplay. Colour me impressed.

Sure some QTE contextual action button ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, but outside of that i'm having an excellent time with it

Jump and shoot man 3D

Satire should aim to take the piss from its subject. It doesn't *need* to do more than that. It criticizes with a spit and slap to the face, and then laughs at the subject's shame. The Looker takes this further- most troll games that seek to mock simply imitate the gameplay of their subject, adding only self-aware and satirical dialogue or effects. This goes beyond, however, and grabs its subject (The Witness) by the scruff of the neck and gestures to interesting and developed mechanics that go beyond whatever The Witness was striving for with its connect-the-dot puttering. Brilliant work.

FOR THAT GUY WE LIIIIIKE!!!!!

I have played this so much that I had a dream in which all I did was reload AK-47s

Thanks for making me schizophrenic Anton

Hooh doggy. This one's a fat gunker. It's like they took everything bad about being a garbage man and tried to make the game about it.

So you do the thing ya do with every game, right? You hit the "play right now" button. Gotta say. Bold artics choice to make the protsgonist blind. The black screen really hammered that one into my ass.

Eventually the game realizes that if you can't see then the game kinda suckz, so it decides to become third person. Never in my life did I think I'd play a game in 3d, but here we are.

What happens next may not shock you. You get a gun and go to the mall. To sell the gun, of course. Once you sell it, you can get back to finding Carmen San Diego.

The puzzles man. You ever do the thing where you put hot dogs in the garborator for 40 minutes straight? It's kinda like that. I'm smart enough to know what a rhombus is but the games like "click the brown one" and I'm COLourblind. :;,,((((

Really PISSES me OFF that no one at EA wanted to make this piece of ♥♥♥♥ into a martini. A big open world with only 3 explorable buildings, untextured rocks, dumbass Fat Albert, a nicotine addiction, new software updates, forks in the spokes, white supremacy, fishin', holiday spices, Gonkspeed You Blembeper soundtrack, and Fat Albert all contribute to a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ than crap experience.

4 stars out of

Holy ♥♥♥♥

The M1 Garand doesn't ping

Edit: They made it ping

For my whole playthrough I was hesitant to give this game a perfect score, and the finale made me realize, it was just because its Valve. I consitently praise everyone at Valve and their output, and for them its just so effortless. Maybe I was just thinking that giving them another ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ 10 would feel meaningless, but that’s just how innovative Valve have managed to be. This is the best video game I have ever played in my life, and I mean that. When looking to video games, and Half-Life in particular, the goal has always been to provide the player with an experience. No game has ever given me an experience as grand as Half-Life Alyx. This towers above every other Half-Life game as a masterful technical achievement. There are no flaws here. If you were to ask me if it was worth 500$ for the game and an Oculus Rift-S, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

10/10