Onion Genesis
Excerpt Translated and Submitted by Camelol

There once lived a peasant in a swamp, because that was the only place where he could afford to live. He had no basic rights, for he was a slave under King Farquaad, working in miserable conditions. One day as the peasant was sleeping on the dirt floor, the ground became unusually warm. It got warmer and warmer. The peasant wondered if this was the cause of humidity, and suddenly---

*blank*

The peasant woke up the next morning with a tear in his bommy knocker! He wondered at who or what did this! He looked around his house and saw a sign which read, "It's Never Ogre."

When the peasant went to the castle to work for the king, he discovered that the king was covered in something, from head to toe. The peasant asked the king what the matter was. The king then told the peasant in a hearty growl, "You have successfully fit 10 onions in your bommy knocker, so therefore, you must teach mankind of SHREK!"

The confused peasant put his hand up his bommy knocker and felt the ten onions; it stung. The "king" then removed His robe, revealing His true identity - it was Shrek in disguise! And what He said would rock the world.

"All The World is My Swamp."

The peasant fell to his knees in respect and praise.

"That includes everyone - and I mean EVERYONE! Friend of fatherless!, Fountain of happiness!, Lord of the swill-bucket!"

The peasant exclaimed,

"Oh, how my soul is on, Fire when I gaze at thy, Calm and commanding eye, Like the sun in the sky, lord Shrek! Thou are the giver of, All that thy creatures love, Full belly twice a day, clean straw to roll upon; Every beast great or small, Sleeps at peace in his stall, Thou watchest over all, lord Shrek! Had I a sucking-pig, Ere he had grown as big, Even as a pint bottle or as a rolling-pin, He should have learned to be, Faithful and true to thee, Yes, his first squeak should be "Comrade Shrek!" .

And t'was Shrek and only Him who could inspire such poetry. Thus was the ultimate expression of true Divine Art. Shrek declared this His song, and commanded the peasant to travel all across the swamps and the seas, spreading this song as His Divine Message. Shrek then went on to kill the minstrels because none of the songs they had written ever mentioned Onions, the Sacred Fruit.

Shrek then had another "load to dump", so he decided to "unload" it. Shrek did it in one big SPLAT!

(This "load" is now mentioned in History books as Pangea.)

The load was very special compared to common loads; it was green, but there was also something else different. The load rested upon wheels which moved very slowly over a period of millions of years.

(Scientists today call this "continental drift".)

Shrek then got bored with his life. He wanted to make creatures that were capable of worshipping him, so he made the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs promised to worship Shrek, but were too stubborn to keep their promise. This angered Shrek, and with one big spit, all the dinosaurs were wiped out.

Then Shrek got lonelier, so he decided to try once more to create beings whom were intellectually capable of worshipping him. So Shrek proceeded to create the monkeys, but they too were too stubborn to accept Him as the One True God of The Swamps. Shrek threatened to wipe out the monkey race, but as per His Divine Mercy, he allowed the monkeys to propose a compromise.

The monkeys agreed to become enlightened by His Holy Light, and transform into a superior, human race. That idea worked very well, for after only a million years the humans went on to make the Shrek movies and even a few YouTube videos, which pleased Shrek and served to gain a few followers of true Shrekism.

This is His Holy Word. Shrek be praised.