2070 predictions. The next 50 years are gonna be some serious. Stuff.

Sea floor farming. 75% of the world’s surface not being used by agriculture. On the sea floor, you’re gonna have sea beets, sea yams, sea cabbage, have ya ever had a sea salad? Have ya ever had sea cheesy baked potatoes that BLEW YOUR SOCKS OFF? Cuz you’re gonna be. 2070 coming up.

Trash economy. The abundance of trash. What are we gonna do with it? Are we gonna put it on an island? Are we gonna make it somebody else’s problem? Or are we going to take the initiative, and take this problem by the horns? Trash economy. You use cubes of trash as money. Everybody becomes rich, it’s a gold rush.

Walk with me. Most of the major cities will be replaced with vast pleasure domes, used exclusively by the excelceites, who are the neo-upperclass. While the displaced hoards of lower-class depth-grobblers will live underground in tiered cities, endlessly toiling away for nuggets of neo-plasmin.

Video games are going to get more realistic.

[Sniffles into microphone]

Super fuel-efficient vehicles getting 80, 100 miles per gallon? It’s not that crazy. You think I’m nuts right now for suggesting something high tech like that? [Looks at person in crowd who shakes head] Flip side of that coin, gas, 10 dollars a gallon. [Flips out and air kicks a couple times in anger] You can’t win them all, but we can make do, cuz we’re gonna have solar power also.

Race riots. Extreme racial tension and unrest. Uh… it’s called the knockout game, and eventually white people are gonna get tired of playing it. That’s all I’m saying.

A new… ah skip that one. Um… oh yeah, got two minutes left, okay. Playing games with me, huh? Can we get the original 18 minutes back on here…? You caught me. I’m unprepared.

Now, 2070. Due to the massive birth increase, we’re gonna have a shortage of milk. What this means is, the neo-earth-good-government-league is gonna have to genetically modify all humans, male and female, to lactate once a month. Once every month, you’re gonna be going to a lactation processing center where they’ll hook ya up to all kinds of weird things. Uh, now, due to some fluke, about 3% of the population produces milk, uh, about 500% as much milk. So they’re gonna have to be farmed constantly. And it’s very painful, but they’re gonna be rounded up by FEMA and their milk will serve the greater good.

Guys, what’s the one problem right now that’s not gonna be around in 2070?
The elderly and the disabled. Cuz we’re just GONNA KILL EM! WE’RE JUST GONNA KILL EM!

So we looked at the data. Uhh, we got robots policing the streets, 2070, we got gay marriage. Surprise, surprise, bigots! Okay? Sorry, in 2070, gay people are gonna be allowed to get married. Get used to it.

Make me sick sometimes.

Sodastream will do for soda what 3D printing did for assault rifles.

And I think you’re gonna be seeing a whole lot more of these great Apple products. The iMac.

[Breathes heavily]

You’re probably thinking this is some pretty deep stuff, and you’re right.

[Breathes more]

State enforced homosexuality. I don’t have a problem with that, it’s equal.

Facebook as your birth certificate.

Mac iPads built into every school desk of every child.

3D printers are kid’s toys, and the newest 3D printer your kid is gonna be printing up 3D Muslim barbie dolls.

2070, gay men have actually developed reproductive organs inside of their… area… and a new generation of children are born from inside gay men.