what that uvula do

Well. I don’t really know how to say this but… I’ve sharted for the first time today. I’m 25 years old and in shape. On a whim I just spent Friday-Sunday on an absolute bender with some friends. (Just alcohol and some weed.) nonetheless I’ve done nothing but eat pizza, Taco Bell, buffalo chicken dip, and drink tequila, beer, whiskey, rum, and gin for the whole weekend.

I spent Monday asleep in efforts to recover from this. Now today I’m in school and made the foolish mistake of trusting a fart. When it was in fact, a shart. I’m typing this from the bathroom stall while I wait for the person ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ next to me to leave because I’m too embarrassed that I just had to flush my underwear down the toilet.

I have a question...

If I was a sickly peasant boy designated by the aristocracy to carry messages back and fourth for pennies and you found me outside the city walls with a deep wound in my chest from a musket ball and a letter clutched in my hand and I told you my last dying wish was to have someone read the letter to me so I know that I died for something important and you open it up and you find a single large illustration diagram of an onion would you tell me what it was? What would you say to me?

I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.

+rep hotboxed the dookie w me in 1966

-walks into bar-
-hooves click on bar floor-