Why am I still alive

I gave arm wings, but I will not win.

My sister cuts off the only way of communication I had with her.
We were raised together, and I oficially lived with her from 11 to 15 turning to 16 when I was kicked out.

In the 13th everything will be decided, the ultimate test to my worth.
I will compete in a sport that I was not designed for, and that will decide If I am a prodigy or not.

I will elaborate the brand on my arm, as it has become snonymous with my warrior's call, and god will decide the choice.
My heart or Yours.

I did not get to watch my dog die.

I don't understand what this medication is supposed to do. I can in theory feel the side-effects of having more dopamine, but what Is it supposed to do? Is more dopamine gonna bring back all that I used to love and is gone now? All it just does is make me feel sick. I hope It's not a waste of time.

I'm never returning to myself after Portugal.
I am just a copy of myself, the vessel and the outer-layer is there but there is nothing inside.
This time there is no one to comfort me.

It's so liberating. So liberating to be at a point where none of that human ♥♥♥♥ matters. And the huge indentation that was in the middle of my life does not have any concrete meaning. I can stay as far behind to everyone as I want to, because It doesn't matter anymore, not even this medication seems to alter that. I do not even mind my cage anymore. All I need to do is to learn more, become more efficient, stronger, technical. It's so easy.

Congratulations to all of you who have helped me wake up from my dream.

Of course though.
I have checklist.
Before I go I need to become a Blue Belt in Jiu Jitsu, a Greenbelt in Judo. I will compete for a while. ( May actually be going into a BJJ tournament soonish.) I can see that even that which I lived for is now insignificant to the truth I perceived in the last years, and nothing's going to change.
In the meanwhile no one I needed to change has changed and all that which grounded me is gone.

But I'm always stronger.

In my departure I will give away exactly it is that was given to me. It's going to be so beautiful, the getback, It's too bad I won't see the consequences, but the fact they'll happen is enough to make my heart pulse again. Punish greed, punish superficiality, my final message written is such vibrant colors.

I can feel time closing in. It's like an expiration date. It just comforts me. It lets me do whatever I want to and not worry about anything beyond, I finally get to abandon everything and focus on what I want to learn. No monetary pullbacks, no future obligations. No fear of judgement. No particular investments on anything. Just me, lifting, striking, grappling.

Remember It's your fault for letting your guard fall. At this point you should've understood how it all plays out as you've seen it all play out a million times The future is GONE. This is the LAST LOOP. This is my last chance. 8 Years in the same pit. All the ones who I thought would always be my side are gone. There should be no DUALITY in this personality. Only a straight line.

I denounce my name, face and I denounce my existence. Everything that I "am", I want dead. The only essence within my spirit is the one that craves battle. I would sacrifice everything that I am only for that... Which I'm already doing.

It's an odd thing that comes with "having to accept your own death' and the insignificance/unexistence of all things that at one point MADE you. There is such an irrelevance that comes with your own continued existence. I really am the dragon I spoke I'd be, and my transition isn't a matter of change but of time. Time. I know this but It does not matter anymore, my ultimatum is met but there is no real satisfaction anymore, without any of you. But that's okay. It's okay to be Dejected. I think the less things actually matter the more I am provoked by my own existence, and the more I must question it, the less answers I get back. My request for wings is met as I become a better kickboxer, better grappler, better lifter, even as I become idle the purposeless of it all matters, at the same time as it does not. I'm not becoming like this out of anything but will and spite. I have already been assassinated and I must come into terms with these concepts.

Bye bye angel.
You made things okay for a while.

My ultimatum leaves me no option but to become a monster. And I'm OK with that, as the continuous existentialism that comes with being this slowly kills me.
I think of it.
I should have my vengeance, as even If I would receive monetary compensations after HIS death, It won't mean a damn thing.
I'll play and I'll play and I'll play while I think it's fun, but when there's no more to play I'll follow through.
Like this I have nothing and I'll always have nothing but the desire to destroy the foundations to why I exist.
I only need a trigger. I've seen the potency of a trigger. And I think It can send me to do what I plan to do.
With it no longer being random(though if it happens that way I'm fine) but it being a very targetted psychological attack which I can ensue, at the cost of my... self.
Mentally I am prepared for the idea. Physically I'm still greedy. I suppose I want to see my maximum competency. Let's wait and see how it works.

The lesson is very clear in every aspect of life.
This world does not care about you.
Although you may suffer in a perpetually pointless existence, and gain awareness of such condition, seek for help in comfort, pursue distraction. If you are born crooked, there is no resolvement that can push you into being one with existence. If the outcast is an outcast TO the outcast, it is the end of the line.
Every single individual is doomed If they are not genuinely loved.
To be tossed to the dogs has taught me a lot of the human nature on itself.
Like this. A future is painted.
Very clear.

Something I've learned.
The instinct to want to hurt something is not exactly simply a tell of the mind.
It's impulsive and real. And I experienced it.
All it needs is a couple of triggers and something awoke within me, and for that moment I could not really hear anything.
I felt bad then.
But now knowing this, I feel like myself again. In knowing that the weakness has not taken complete control over me.
I am free now. Free of everyone. Free of everything. Indifferent to anything that isn't my particular little self feeding loop.
Finally, I feel pride.
Though nothing will actually stop me considering the knife I notice, because I am still alive.
But finally the most of you have grown useless now that I have taken over myself, and understand that I am alone.
As long as I can become stronger, faster, more efficient, there is still something in line at the game.
Everyone comments on it.
You're so strong.
I love the feeling of it.
But I still feel weak.

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