It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.


I went to a zoo, and the only animal there was a dog...

It was a shih tzu


Why can't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in a different box


Why can't your nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot!


Why did the blonde snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke!


What do you call a good farmer?

Someone who is out standing in their field.


Why can’t Buddhists vacuum under the couch?

They have no attachments


What do you call a poor Italian community?

A spaghetto


What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

An udder failure


What do you call the ghost of a chicken?

A poultrygeist


What do you call a cow that had an abortion?

Decalfeinated


Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man


Why are ghost bad liars?

You can see right through them


What does grass wear when it’s trying to be seductive?

Lawn gerie


Why did the scientist remove his doorbell?

He wanted to win the Nobel prize


What do you call a poor Italian community?

Italy



Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent.



Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality.



I went to the psychic the other day and accidentally broke his crystal ball...

It cost me a fortune!


Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?

They can spend years at C


What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener


What do you call someone who likes ceilings?

A ceiling fan


What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale


What is the letter C afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

They are all not-C's


Why was the dance for married people empty?

There wasn't a single person there!


Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?

She always ran away from the ball

It didn't help that her coach was a pumpkin