Recent reviews by ItsToofy!

Konami is literally that ex standing outside your window playing the songs on a boom box you all used to love saying "I swear I've changed, take me back"

Does anyone remember the NES Friday the 13th and how awful that was? That game came out at $50 in 1989, which after inflation means that game would have cost us $89 today.

This game is $40 and lets you play as Jason.

Half the price of a terrible game that has much more to do than a singleplayer game about killing wolves and zombies and lighting fireplaces.

13/10 well worth the price

1.) It's Free
2.) It's Fun
3.) It's Ghost In the Shell

If you like these 3 things, pick it up.

If you don't, it's free, just freaking try it already.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PsBxG8neok

It appears that the studio didn't actually port the game to PC, the PC version just runs on a very early beta of their newest PS4 emulator.

I pooped my pants

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock,tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.....

DING!

DING!

DING!

10/10 Would dining room again

King Wielislaw "The Great" of Poland was pretty great, he fought in the crusades, helped stamped out paganism in christian europe, brought peace and security to the Kingdom of Lithuania, all his vassals loved him and he had peace and prosperity throughout the realm.

Then his son took over after his untimely death due to illness.

King Sulislaw "The Bewitched" took the throne in Poland with his brother taking succession in Lithuania. This was not good for the man who practiced all 7 deadly sings regularly, decided to become a sodomite shortly before taking the throne, was receiving messages from god and actively practicing all known Catholic heresies regularly through his life. After crushing his brother under heel he decided to form the Wendish Empire, taking the crowns of Lithuania, Poland and Pomerania under his empire. He was a cruel man but a just man. He stomped out any known plots in his land and always released his prisoners from custody........only to give his dastardly spymaster some game to hunt by plotting to kill them later. Sulislaw was an evil, terrible and cruel Emperor who nows has a claim on the Holy Roman Empire, England and Scotland due to strategic marriages of his sisters. Unfortunately, he died in bed before he decided to run roughshod over Europe. Did I mention he was a genious?

Pros of King Sulislaw:
-Affairs with male Mayors, Barons and Counts throughout the land
-Messages from god
-Told the pope to piss off when he asked for too much money to atone for his sins
-Ability to attack the Holy Roman Empire and England due to hereditary claims
-Being a part of every Catholic heresy in existance at one time or another
-Live til 62 years old

Cons of King Sulislaw:
-He died

666/10 would sin again

This game has been oversimplified from its previous incarnations, any veteran of the Total War Franchise would see this game as a step back from what made these titles popular to begin with. It appears as things have been stripped back or stripped away to ease in a new generation of players who may feel threatened by the Strategy genre.

When you first start playing this game you'll notice that most areas are broken down into Provinces that has a "capital" region that provides many bonuses if you control it. Another tidbit of that is that only Capitals of the Provinces contain walls. This seems to be a way to make the Capitals a prime target for any military campaign for any player to control, though making them the hardest piece of territory to take. Unfortunately, here's where the first major bugs come in to play. Siege AI is still something that is being patched to this day because at first, it didn't even exist. If you were defending the walls of a Capital, your meager resistance provided to you buy buildings in your capital would be more than enough to fend back most any assault, as the AI would charge its forces directly at the nearest gate in the wall, attempt to burn it down and then rush everyone through to the nearest flag. Never once did they use Ladders, never once did they use Battering Rams. Patch 7 attempted to fix a portion of this but the fixes are still ongoing. Imagine how this must have been on release day. Don't imagine it because it was a terrible experience. Though if you assaulted someone else's walls, not once did I see any ranged units even on top of the walls I was assaulting. How could this have been so difficult to get right at release when games like Medieval 2 total war provided a much more enjoyable siege experience right from the get go?

Your armies are now limited, no more are you allowed to have forces based on your income and through upkeep management, now you armies are limited to the amount of generals you have on the field who directly recruit them from the provinces they are in directly on the field, no more recruiting from individual settlements and being able to send them out. The amount of generals (or admirals for sea units) is influenced by how many settlements/provinces you control, the more powerful you become, the more generals you can have and thus more armies on the field. Simple right? A little too simple if you ask me, this reduces the micromanagement of forces and allows you to focus more attention on your settlements and on your military campaigns but is extremely limiting to what you SHOULD be able to do with your military rather than have some hard coded limitations based on game design that didn't exist until this game.

Settlement control used to be a lot prettier, each building you could create had a picture that showed it's unique cultural version with what it does. These have been replaced by basic icons with only the basest amount of information, sometimes a little difficult to understand exactly what bonuses they provide. Gone are the unique cultural pictures of the different buildings and this time you are limited to just a handful of buildings per city/town as opposed to being able to grow your town over time into a large city with various different buildings. The soul of your empire is going to seem very shallow in the later stages of the game as the advancement of these cities will wane very quickly over a short period of time and they'll sort of just "be there" for you to defend, not to actually maintain with newer buildings, upgraded versions of older buildings, etc. Sure, buildings in this game can be upgraded, but there are mostly 3 levels of most buildings, advancement will be fast and soon you'll run out of things to do in each city until all that's left is complete world conquest. I find myself taking cities just so I have something to do as opposed to biding my time and maintaining my small region of the world to build up a stable economy so that I could expand my borders strategically.

Slaves, it was an important part of history but even 50 hours into this game it's a little difficult to really understand just how much it influences my empire, when you take cities or defeat armies out in the field you have the option of killing the prisoners, enslaving them or letting them go. 9 times out of 10 you should enslave them and the other 1 you are going to kill them if you have too many slaves. Too many slaves decreases public order but increases your income. When you take slaves there doesn't seem to be any way to control exactly where they go and they just sort of get spread out, some provinces I have had were overflowing with slaves decreasing the public order where some provinces barely had enough to give me -1 public order. Being able to maintain where your slaves are or moving them to other provinces to maintain public order is missing from this game and I feel like it should have been a major part of the upkeep process of your empire.

Politics. Now the game falls apart. The politics mechanic is the most underachieving portion of this game and is entirely underexplained. There is something there but it is very difficult to understand how it exactly works. Your generals have a rating called Gravitas which raises through their conquests and accomplishments, the more gravitas of your individual family's generals the more control you will have over your culture's unique version of a senate. There are other families vying for control of your culture and your generals on the field could be from other families. You can promote your generals to higher stations, assassinate other familiy's politicians, etc. Even 50 hours in I am still unclear as to what I should do to raise my control over the "senate". For a game that appears to want to be more accessible to a larger crowd, this particular mechanic is frustrating even for the hardcore Total War fan. The old family system of previous games were actually pretty simple, to be replaced with this unintuitive politics system is complete anethema to the franchise.

Now on to the major portion of the game, combat. In previous versions of this game combat was a bit of a blobby mess where a wave of human walls would just mash into each other and a mess would ensue, though this seems to be patched after 7 or so patches to seem a little more coherant and easier to manage. Battles used to only take 5 minutes before a victor had been decided but battles have been extended a bit with morale and damage tweaking to individual units. The actual units themselves are vividly detailed and seeing the many unique factions units is always amazing to behold in formation just before a battle, so there is that on the side of ROME 2. Battles, otherwise, play out in a similar fashion to previous games. You set up your formations prior to battle, approach the enemy, take advantage of flanks, cavalry maneuvers, ranged units harrassment, a feature seems to be added to the game that is hit or miss with many folks, the addition of buttons with special abilities for various units. For instance, "Crack the Whip" on the hestati that raises attack bonuses at the expense of fatigue. A lot of people call these "magic buttons" but in my opinion these buttons are thematic with their respective units and add a little more flair to the combat process and strategy vs. click here, watch fight, rinse repeat. Now your enemy can take advantage of a morale debuff on their side and you can attempt to counteract it with a morale buff from your side followed by a morale debuff on a flank you want to exploit. It's an interesting dynamic to the game which can prove to bring the battle to your side even when outnumbered with the proper strategy and tactics and timing of your units' special abilities.

DLC factions, welcome to the new age, folks.

7 patches later, hundreds of fixes each, do you want to support a company that releases titles this way?