Who am I?

I don't think I know

Not the real me anyway

I know who I'd like to be

The kind one, who everyone looks to when they need help

The one who always has the "right" opinions

The kind of person everyone likes

Put more simply: the kind of person I'm not, not really

But I try so, so hard to be this imaginary person that can't really exist

And I put on this facade I've so carefully crafted, this sanitized version of myself

Inoffensive, clean, sterile

A mask that I don't know if I remember how to take off

But is it even really a version of "me"?

Who I really am?

Or is there just another mask under that

How many masks have I stacked on top of each other

How deep does it go

Will I ever uncover my true face beneath all the lies?

Or have I buried it so deep in the darkest corners of my mind

Locked it up so tightly

That it would take a lifetime just to find it

And more to even begin to unlock it

If only I had a map

To a treasure I lost so, so long ago

So I ask again

Who am I?

I think I'd like to find out

I'd like to get to know the real me

If only I knew how

But do I really want to know?

Am I prepared for the answer to be one I don't like?

What if what my brain tells me about myself is all true?

That I'm some "Sex-obsessed loser"

"With no practical skills"

"Annoying, hateful, unimportant"

"A complete failure" As the little voice in my head so eloquently puts it

Unreliable narrator that it is

Can I face that reality, should it come to it?

Or will I go back to hiding my true face

From everyone, especially myself

I don't have the answer to that

But there's only one way to find out

And I don't think I like it

And the thing that scares me

Is that if it's true

And I show people who I really am

I'll forever be marked

Branded, as the worst thing one can possibly be

Undesirable

But I'm so tired

So, so, so tired

Of holding up this mountain of masks I've made for myself

So for better or worse

One last time

I'd like to ask

Who am I?

I think I'd really like to know

But the process will be so incredibly difficult

And I don't have a clue where to start

If only it were so easy

As a caterpillar becoming a butterfly

Or perhaps a moth?

To be able to just rest

For a week or two

And come out the other side, a beautiful, beloved creature

The one they were always meant to be

If I had my choice?

I think I'd like to be a Luna

Graceful and delicate

And a wonder to behold

But what if I come out the other side

Some drab, uninteresting variety

Colors only meant to camouflage

And hide myself from everyone around me

As if nothing has changed

And what if something goes wrong

During my metamorphosis

And I emerge not as a butterfly nor a moth

But as some sort of malformed abomination

Never meant to see the light of day

But if I don't try

I'll never know what could've been

I'll never meet that person I lost so very long ago

That I don't know if I even still remember

And that's what scares me more than anything

That the person I should have been

May be gone forever

Replaced by some aberrant facsimile of myself

Who shares only my name

But now I think I've had my fill

Of being what others think I should be

Of what I think I need to be

Like the caterpillar eating until it can't take another bite

So if you'll excuse me, I think I'll start building my cocoon

And hopefully

When it's all done

I'll be the wonderful moth I was always meant to be

And I'll finally have my answer

To the question I've asked myself so many times

Who am I?