Recent reviews by Theodore L'ours

Leave no Scout left behind!

Eleven hours at the time of this review and I bought it 24 hours ago. Just keep that in mind.

I was hyped for this game. BlueTag (for those of you who know who that is) made a review for it and I figured "sure, why not? I grew up with the first two games and never got to play the third. This is going to be excellent!"

Issue started on one of the first splash pages. "bleem!" That's a name I haven't heard in forever. bleem! has its own history and story, being one of the first, if only, boxed emulators. Meaning around the same place you could pick up "Bioshock" and "Norton Anti-Virus", you could pick up a copy of bleem!.

...but then it dawned on me. The UI, the way it just snaps to the original music when you play the game, the way the multiplayer doesn't work and wasn't able to connect me to a single match.

I just bought an emulator. Multiplayer is just netplay on bleem! There's nothing about this game that suggests it's a port, it's just an emulation. Despite the whole "Made in Unity" splash screen, it's nothing more than to tie UI elements together and get you to the emulation.

It's not worth it. It really isn't. I'm gonna boot up SNES9x and go back to what I've been doing for a while. Save your money, don't give into bleem!.

Sony, don't think you're completely off the hook, here. There's still Helldivers that you've disqualified in numerous countries from fighting beside us because of your stringent need to hawk PSN down people's throats.

Got this game when it was an actual Steam game, enjoyed every moment with it. I can no longer play it because I refuse to get an Epic account.

Suck a fat one, Epic.

Ubisoft needs to be smacked upside the head.

Update 4/12/24: Ubisoft REALLY need to be smacked upside the head.

Update 4/10/25: Keep smacking Ubisoft upside the head, it's working.

Alright, so. Where to begin?

APB had been one of those games that I heard about, thought sounded amazing on paper, but then forgotten about because I had no money, meaning that upon initial release, I couldn't play it. I had already spent a good amount of money on my Steam library, so I assumed that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to invest in it, regardless, and I turned out to be right.

For all of the wrong reasons.

See, the original APB is no longer with us, instead leaving with us APB: Reloaded, a rebooted version of the game with fixes, a few additions, and a few new bugs as well, on top of being free-to-play. That being said, I could finally mess with the character creator, make my own decals, and do what I wanted as a criminal druglord.

Pfft, I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ wish, dude. Turns out, there's a reason Realtime Worlds went out of business during the short lifespan of the original game, and the free-to-play service doesn't do it any favors. Instead of the matchmaking being a bit cheap, it's now absolutely broken. Instead of slogging through bare-bones missions that set you up against players of the same caliber, you're set up against the 50. cal's that all bought their ♥♥♥♥ through the ARMAS Marketplace, the premier one-stop shop for everything you'll need to reach gold-level instantly. The game engine runs at a solid 15 FPS throughout, unless it bluescreens your computer, like it did to me, and generally just isn't that good of a game to play.

Unless you got a crew, in which case, it's always fun to share the headaches.

Do I recommend it? Yeah, for one reason and one reason only. Developers of any and all multiplayer games, including past, present, and future, heed my words. Play this for two hours, if you can handle it. There is nothing else quite like it, and I mean that in the worst way possible. Learn from it. As for every gamer reading this, at least give it a shot. For what it's worth, I sort-of enjoyed it, but it's not something I go back to religiously. There are far too many issues with the game as it stands to allow myself to recommend it fully, especially with the packs down below being shoved in your face, one of them being thirty ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dollars.

3.5/10

I understand that this game is in early alpha, and as such, it's not truly indicative of the final product. That being said, ♥♥♥♥ you, I'm reviewing it anyways.

...

I'll be honest, I'm not too sure where to begin with this. There's a lot of stuff to take in, experience, and generally just ♥♥♥♥ around in, but, let's try to explain ourselves.

Tower Unite is not exactly a game. It's not exactly a sim, and it's certainly not any Call of Duty. Instead, Tower Unite is what I would like to call a "collective online casual party experience", and, as far as I know, is the only game on Steam or otherwise to fit the genre. In Tower Unite, you play as your own customizable avatar (or, if you're like 92% of its playerbase, a customizable dancing milk carton. I swear I'm not high) in the search of precious currency, called Units, to spend on decking out yourself, your condominium, etc. You gain these by playing minigames, like minigolf, Virus (Infected/Zombie mode), Planet Panic (Capture the Flag-type mode), and Ball Race (a la Super Monkey Ball. Yeah, I'm serious).

In truth, I'm almost simplifying it. The end goal isn't about how much money you have or how good you are in a game, it's about meeting new people and hanging out and being social. It *is* an online game after all, and while you *can* play some aspects with yourself (i.e.: minigolf), it sounds about as fun as it is. Tower Unite is simply a game that requires a good community, which is wonderful, considering most people in the TU community are generally some of the nicest people you can meet. I've actually met a few really cool people simply hanging out in the community theater watching Cow Chop videos with a group of other TU players.

It's not for everyone, but Tower Unite isn't a game. To call it that would be like thinking of "going to jail" as "a little inconvenient". Tower, as well as its predecessor "GMod Tower", are full-blown experiences. What kind of experience? That's completely for you to decide, but for me, it was well worth the wait and the transition to the Unreal engine was practically spot on. It's just a shame my computer is old money and can barely run it without me needing to lower my resolution, but nevertheless.

8/10.

P.S.: RIP GMTower. You will be missed, old friend...

Oh my...

"GRID", or "Race Driver: Grid", depending on whether or not you really wanna be formal about all of this, is a racing game developed by Codemasters, and has been released on all platforms that matter (I'm looking at you, Nintendo). Throughout the game, you build up your reputation as a race driver, and are faced with a series of different racing disciplines to prove yourself in: drift, F1, Touring, and many more. All of this leads up to a grand finale in each season: The Le Mans 24 Hour Endurance Race on the infamous Circuit de la Sarthe (the version with winding turns on the straightaway). There's a lot of content to barge your way through, and it'll take you a bit of time to get through everything. It's been a while since this game came out, but...

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ THIS GAME STILL LOOKS BADASS

If you take damage, it's full-on damage. Windows will crack, hoods will fly off, fenders will be bent, and if you crash horribly, your race is over. Granted, it's still hard-body; you're not gonna get the detail that GTA IV gave you with its soft-body damage model. Still, the way tires can come off, and your car ends up looking like it just got done with a demolition derby (which is a racing discipline in-game, mind~), it's a marvel to behold.

That being said, the game is wonderfully optimized. While I'm running some low-tech equipment, I'm still running everything on mostly high settings. It's wonderful to see the inside of your car and how everything reacts according to what's happening on track. It doesn't sound like much, but it helps with the immersion. It's the little things that count.

The cars handle a bit differently than one might be used to. When given the choice between "arcade racer" and "simulation", Codemasters seemed to lean more towards "arcade". Some people might be turned off by this, but, in truth, this really, really adds on to the fun factor. There's no real penalty to being a ♥♥♥♥ to your fellow racers, which, coming from a jaded ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, feels so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ good. Drifting around corners at 100, just to slam into someone else and ruin someone else's day, is so satisfying. While the cars don't act exactly like they should, it's not going to take long to get used to their handling, and you'll find yourself knocking races out of the park in just a few goes.

GRID has a few issues, mainly with its AI. But, in truth, AI has always sort of been a problem (I'm looking at you, Bethesda). While the computer isn't as dumb as rocks, it most certainly could use some work. I'm not sure if it's intentional, but it seems as though the AI can be just as aggressive as you on occasion. Most of the time, they're as submissive as a small puppy, but regardless, a few can lash out like a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rottweiler. It's jarring, but it keeps you on your toes, at least.

There's a lot I've missed in this review, but as much as I'd love to go over them, GRID just got done re-downloading, and that takes precedent over everything else.

9/10

So, let's talk about choices.

It's always nice to have options open. You got two pens, black and blue. You have two roads, one longer, one shorter. You have two types of pizza you can eat. It really is nice to have those options open in case maybe one day you feel like writing in blue ink instead of black; just in case you wanna take the scenic route; just in case you don't like plain cheese pizza (the hell is wrong with you?)

That being said, this game gives you the "illusion" of choice. Personally, I was expecting my actions to be as "middle-of-the-road" as possible, basically being that reliable, chaste friend. Next thing I know, Emily is complaining about how "everything was planned", such as having her hang out with me and a few friends and her coming back to my dorm.

Thing is, I never said she could. The game says that's what happens, and that's what you're going to have to deal with.

Emily is Away has potential, it truly does. But when I want to ask a question, a serious question, mind, my character backspaces and just goes with something middle of the road. Like, no. You don't force a player into a very serious situation, then suddenly make everything quaint again. That's not how you go about this sort of thing. If there were more repercussions, paths to follow, and, y'know, NOT THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DORM SCENARIO, Emily is Away might actually be a decent idea. But as it stands currently, it's a game that has you play as someone else, regardless of who you wanna be when you "sign in"

Also, $10 for some new skins? What are you, Overkill? Get over yourself.

2.5/10

Ohh...

Ohhh...

Where do I begin?..

Being a fan of the original FFXIV (not for the gameplay, mind; I'm not that dumb), I finally came back home to Eorzea to find out what exactly happened at the end of the storyline of the original game. And I'll admit, it took some doing to get past the trivial "ey ur knew here, lemme give u sum tips b0ss" ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ that every game passes off as a tutorial, because, ♥♥♥♥ experimentation. Yet, as I managed to toss myself over the hurdle, I noticed something huge. Something that the original XIV lacked.

It was good.

No, I'm serious, it's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ good!

Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn is sapping away at my life, and most other games only hold my attention for maybe 10-20 hours at max. Given that this is an MMO, of course it's going to take a nice chunk of time out of my life, but here's the thing: that $20 price tag comes with a free trial. At any point, I could have said "bump this, I'm going back to <insert game of your choosing here>", but I haven't, even with over 80 hours of gameplay under my belt.

Of course, it runs on a monthly subscription service, so it's only as fun as your wallet will let you run with it, however, for what it's worth, I prefer this model a lot more than any Free-2-Play, Play-2-Win model that any MMO has come out with, rivaling the likes of Warcraft, Guild Wars, etc. You're not going to be able to simply buy that gargantuan sword with your real-life money, you're gonna have to either buy it with in-game money, earn it via quests, or make it your own ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ self.

We can sit here all day and talk about the original and how crap it was (and believe me, it was crap), but trust me when I say that when Square messed up, they knew exactly where they messed up. They took the game down, continued to tweak it, gave us a hell of a send-off (look that stuff up, it's ♥♥♥♥♥♥' hella), and fixed it all.

Does it reek of MMO-isms? As in, do random people pester you to join their clan?

Yeah.

Do people continue to barter even though the shops are literally right there next to them?

Oh, hell yeah.

Are there toxic players who will scold you for not healing or tanking the--

The ♥♥♥♥ kinda question is that? You already know.

Point is, for all of its flaws, if you're into fantasy JRPGs and MMOs, this one is a must. Highly recommended, though your milage may vary.

Also, Psy is still an evil ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Don't trust anyone 3-feet tall and wearing a mask, I always say.

9/10