[My Brother]
So anyways, I finally got a meeting with Bellamy, the Bacon Bits King. Now I know my campaign’s awesome. The problem is everybody I talk to says Bellamy is a real ball-breaker.

[ME]
Yeah, that’s what they say.

[My Brother]
Yeah. Well Nick, you’re my brother and you’re incredibly successful.

[ME]
Yes I am.

[My Brother]
I was hoping that maybe you could give me some tips that might give me an edge in my meeting with him.

[ME]
Okay, sure. Here’s a good one: When you greet him, give him a good firm handshake and don’t release until he does.

[My Brother]
No, no, no, no. I want something different, something special.

[ME]
Wear a red tie.

[My Brother]
Power tie. That’s bush league. I’m talking about a secret weapon here, Nick.

[ME]
Oh, a secret weapon, huh?

[My Brother]
Yeah.

[ME]
Okay, I think I know what you’re after. But if I tell you, you got to promise not to tell anybody else.

[My Brother]
I promise.

[ME]
This is sort of a long-term strategy. When’s your meeting with Bellamy?

[My Brother]
A week from today.

[ME]
Oh, not much time, but it might work. Yeah, okay, sure. Every time a penny passes through your hands stick it up your ass…

[My Brother]
What?

[ME]
…and then spend it.

[My Brother]
Thanks Nick. Yeah. I thought you were really going to help me. How does sticking pennies up my ass give me an edge when I meet with him?

[ME]
You don’t just stick them up your ass. You spend them. Now like I said, It’s a long-term strategy. I’ve been doing this for 11 years now. Every day for the past 11 years, I’ve stuck $30 dollars in pennies up my ass. I use them for everything: cab rides, movie theater, groceries.

[My Brother]
What does that accomplish?

[ME]
Will you listen? That’s a lot of ass pennies I’ve got out there my friend. And here’s where the magic comes in: When I meet with someone who intimidates me, who put me on edge, a real hard-ass, I just think to myself they’ve probably handled one of my ass pennies. In fact they probably have one in their pocket right then. That just seems to give me the upper hand. I mean, hey, I haven’t touched anything that was in their ass. Hey where’s Bellamy like to eat?

[My Brother]
He likes to eat at the Pump Room.

[ME]
Great. Here’s what you do: Go to the bank today. Get yourself $50 dollars in pennies. Stick them all up your ass.

[My Brother]
Awwww!

[ME]
One at a time of course. You go to Pump Room and buy yourself a nice dinner, paying entirely in pennies. Now they’ll be using your pennies for the next week at least. Bellamy goes in there to eat. He gets your ass pennies for change. By the time you meet with him, you know he ‘s had something in his hand that you had in your ass.

[My Brother]
So?

[ME]
So then you got the upper hand.

[My Brother]
No I don’t!

[ME]
Yeah you do. It’s like imagining someone in their underwear.

[My Brother]
No it’s not! It’s horrible!