Merry Christmas, Kyle

Im currently struggling with some emotions while writing this...that i dont know if im ready to admit and work through. The stages of grief are literally just an itinerary for me at this point, i guess im seeing them all.

I think I'm mad at you for not being here to experience the things we spent a decade talking about, fantasizing about future plans. I was always your biggest fan, you told me your childhood dreams, I would have moved mountains to see you achieve every single goal you had.

I think I'm also resentful to see the things you deserved to be here for finally come to fruition like this stupid tour that you always mentioned and now you cant even go... and all these other people can.

but...selfishly, i think im mostly mad at myself for being ABLE to experience these things you wanted to experience... knowing that you cant. So im subconsciously punishing myself by not allowing myself to experience anything either.

Sometimes i think that when you died, so did i

Blink 182 has a new album, they are touring with Pierce the Veil - how weird is that?? Cody posted about attending the tour and I wanted to come chat and let you know about it too.

Its sad, I keep noting when something comes up that you would have loved, been interested in, or were looking forward to and adding it to this growing list of regrets. Although, everything reminds me of you to be honest, i dont see how it wouldnt after spending 1/3rd of our lives together. You were meant to be here.

Debating if the metal from 2022 is better or worse than what we always had on repeat during roadtrips - To play the games you were excited for and preorder the ones that werent released yet knowing it could be another Cyberpunk flop but hey "it looks cool" -and ultimately to go to this stupid blink 182 tour thats clearly foreshadowing the nostalgic 90s bands descent into classics, all these bands coming back as to remind us that we are getting older. You were meant to be here, getting older.

I finally brought myself to try playing Icarus again, man. It's really developed out a lot and it's became a great game. I wish you were here to experience it, because I know you'd love it. It's really hard going into games that we put hours into together, especially since your voice is clear and loud in my mind while I play, even though the silence is deafening. Your stupid audiophile microphone was so high quality that it's literally impossible to forget your voice because it's basically imprinted in my eardrums, and I wouldn't change that for the world now.
Elesha and I have been travelling more and more; I keep telling her that eventually we need to come up to the PNW so I can pay you a visit and bring you a Wolf's Dragoons challenge coin or something, as a reminder that there's a lot of people that will never forget you, and a lot of people that love you. I'll talk to you later, dude.

Its been a year, and i feel like this is my safest place to just write to you. I talked to your sister finally, she reached out to me and she told me about what she knew - im still processing what ive learned. I still stay awake at night thinking about how this has to be an elaborate cruel joke and screaming into the void to change what happened... either way some updates i think youd have enjoyed: There is a new Im into, Sleep Token.I really like their song The Summoning and Aqua Regis. I wish you were here to listen to them im positive you would have loved them. Also Diablo 4 came out!! We would have def played that on launch together, i feel you woulda stayed up for the first few days too lol there is a race to get your gamer name on a statue irl is you were one of the first 1000 people to get to level 100 in hyardcore lol i wonder if you woulda went for it.

I still miss you, talk to you next year Kyle

I miss you