Banished for telling off-colour stories and practical jokes, I became a pirate captain.

About me:
- Captain of the Inferno
- The First Goonie
- Booty trap enthusiast

They called me One-Eyed Willy, but I saw more with one eye than most men see with two. While other pirates were busy waving cutlasses and getting scurvy, I was fortifying my underground fortress, rigging booby traps, and stockpiling enough black powder to turn the Pacific into a crater. You think some snot-nosed kids were gonna outsmart me? Please. I had spring-loaded spikes, collapsing floors, and a skeleton crew literally waiting to pop out and ruin your day.

They say I went down with my ship—nah, I went down on my terms, middle finger raised, laughing as my treasure sat untouched. The Spanish Armada? Cowards. The British Navy? Amateurs. The only real threat to me was gravity and my own questionable structural engineering choices. But if you made it past the traps, the riddles, and my legendary inability to follow OSHA guidelines? Congrats. Enjoy the gold. Just watch out for the tripwire behind you.