-Live the Dream by Day, Cry in the Shower at Night

-If it Aint Broke, Break it

-Age is Only a Number, Jail is Only a Room

-A's Before Baes

-If you Never Try, You Will Never Fail

-Live Today Like It's Tomorrow, or Yesterday or Even Three Days From Now

-Some People Just Need a High Five... to the face... with a chair

-If You Are What You Eat, Then I am Fast, Easy and Cheap

-You Have As Many Hours in a Day As Beyoncé, What You Don't Have Are The Looks, Money Or Talent

-It's Not Just Monday, Your Whole Life Sucks

-The New iPhone is Getting Thinner, You Are Not

-If You Stay With The Wrong Person For Long Enough You Will Eventually Run Out Of Other Opinions And They Will Become The Right Person

-If You Can't Laugh At Yourself That's Okay Because The Rest Of Us Can Laugh at You Instead

-Have Someone In Your Life That Makes You Smile When You Look At Your Phone...Then Walk
Into A Wall

-Work Hard. Complain Harder

-When Trying to Find a Tiny Object, Turn Off The Lights and Shine a Flashlight Down Your Pants

-You're Only As Deep As Your Most Recent Insperational Quote

-Tired Of The Voices In Your Head? Have Them Learn A New Language so You Won't Understand Them Anymore

-Can't Throw Anything Away? Get a Divorce and 50% of your Stuff Will Be Gone

-Save Time Making Breakfast In The Morning By Bringing Your Toaster Into The Shower With You

-When Reading a Highly Tecnical Or Scientific Document, Don't Read It

-Everything in This World is Either a Potato, Or Not A Potato

-More Espresso, Less Depresso

-Many People Are Alive only Because it's illegal to Shoot Them

-Money Can't buy Happiness, but It's More Comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Than on a Bicycle