I was born in Russia to Soviet man, he tried to make me play CS:GO from a young age to make hardened Global Elite for eventual entry into CS:GO professional scene.

However, at the age of 8 I was forcefully married to a Saudi Arabian Prince in exchange for oil. My Soviet father/uncle made lots of Russian rubble from this oil.

At the age of 9, I was kidnapped by a Somali Pirate called Tom, Tom forcefully married me to himself in a lavish ceremony where 19 cows were brutally tortured in celebration of my fertility.

At the age of 9 years and 17 days I gave birth to a tape worm, I laboured for 4 hours until I gave birth. The tape worm grew large enough that I was able to ride it across oceans.

After a long voyage, I come across the land of liberty, US of A, mother of freedom. Before being killed by a F-22 Raptor missile.