See those long metal rods? They are called barbells. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret about these barbells. They’re not gonna lift themselves! Okay? Without you they’re just worthless hunk of iron. Like a loaded M16 without a trained Marine to pull the trigger. And in the case of the barbell, it’s up to each and every one of you, my highly trained Swolonites, my killers. My hardgainers who will not take caloric deficit for an answer! My ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ warriors who’ll not re-rack the bar, until they either get swole or ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ die!

Let me tell you something. There is no nobility in being DYEL. I’ve been a lanklet, and I’ve been a swole man. And I choose swole every ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ time. Cause, at least as a swole man, when I have to face my problems, I show up in the back of a locker room wearing a $20 hoodie …and $40 Casio watch! Now, if anyone here thinks I’m fat shaming or body dysmorphic, go get a membership at ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Planet Fitness, because that’s where you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ belong!

But, before you depart this room full of natty lifters, I want you to take a good look at the person next to you, go on. Because sometime in the not-so-distant future, you’re pullin’ up to a red light in your beat-up old ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Civic, and that person’s gonna pull up right alongside you in a brand new WRX STI, with his beautiful braphog by his side, who's got big voluptuous milkies. And who will you be next to? Some disgusting slampiggy with three years of stretch marks in a long sleeve T-shirt, crammed in next to you with a carload full of chairs from ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Ikea! That’s who you’re gonna be sitting next to.

So, you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good. Pick up the bar and start lifting. Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good. Pick up the bar and start lifting. Does your girlfriend think you’re a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DYEL? Good. Pick up the bar and start lifting! I want you to deal with your problems, by becoming swole! All you have to do today is pick up that bar, and hoist the lifts that Rippetoe has taught you. And I’ll make you swoler than the most followed Instagram model of the United States of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ America. I want you to go out there, and I want you to RAM SS+GOMAD down your own throats till you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ choke on it and dirty bulk 100 pounds! That’s what I want you to do.

You’ll be ferocious! You’ll be relentless! You’ll be barbell ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ terrorists! Now, let’s knock this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ out of the park!

-Jordan Swolefort