A nostalgic voice and smell. A lovely light and warmth.
I
am pressed right up against a very precious someone, with almost no gap between us. Inseparably connected. Not a single fragment of anxiety or loneliness lingers in me, as if
I
were a young infant again, simply drinking milk in the comfort of my mother’s breasts. A very sweet feeling, the feeling of not yet knowing loss, fills my body. Suddenly, my eyes open. Ceiling. Bedroom. Morning. Alone. Tokyo. --
I
see. It was a dream.
I
get up out of bed, and, in those mere two seconds, the warm feeling that had enveloped my body already disappears. It leaves no trace, no lingering comfort. At the suddenness of it all, leaving no time to think, tears begin to flow.
I
wake up in the morning, and for some reason
I
am crying. This kind of thing sometimes happens to me. And
I
can never remember what
I
had been dreaming about.
I
stare at my right hand, the hand which had just wiped my tears away. Only a small droplet still sits on my index finger. The tears that dampened my eyes just moments ago have already dried up, along with my dream. Once, in this hand… Something very important… --
I
can’t remember. Giving up,
I
get out of bed and head for the sink. As
I
wash my face,
I
feel like
I
had once been surprised at the warmth and flavor of this water.
I
look into the mirror. An unsatisfied face stares back at me.
I
do my hair as
I
gaze into the mirror, then pass my arms through the sleeves of a spring suit.
I
fasten my tie, which
I
have finally gotten used to knotting, then put on my suit.
I
open the door of my apartment.
I
close the door of my apartment. In front of my eyes… The cityscape of Tokyo, which
I
have finally gotten used to seeing, spreads out in front of me. Just like
I
used to naturally memorize the peaks of mountains in the distance,
I
can now name a few of the skyscrapers before me.
I
pass through the crowded ticket gates of the station and go down the escalator.
I
get on a commuter train. Leaning against the door,
I
watch the scenery as it flows by. In every building, in every window, in every car, and on every pedestrian bridge, the city is overflowing with people. A faint, hazy white sky looms above. On a car carrying a hundred people, in a train carrying a thousand people, in a city carrying a thousand trains,
I
gaze. And while gazing out at the city, like always,
I
realize.
I
am searching for someone, a single, specific person.
I
realize.
An unfamiliar ringing. That thought drifted through my still fast asleep head. An alarm clock? But
I
’m still sleepy. Last night,
I
had become so absorbed in my drawing that
I
didn’t end up going to bed until dawn. “... kun… Taki-kun.” Now someone was calling my name. A girl’s voice… a girl? “Taki-kun. Taki-kun.” The voice was filled with a sharp sense of urgency, as if its owner were on the verge of crying. The voice quivered, like the lonely twinkling of a faraway star. “You don’t… remember me?” the voice asked uncertainly.
I
don’t know you. Suddenly, the train stopped and the doors opened. Oh, that’s right,
I
’m riding a train. The moment
I
remembered that,
I
realized
I
was standing in a train car packed full of people. In front of my eyes were another pair, a girl’s, open wide, staring straight back at me. As passengers exited the train, her school uniform figure started to get pushed farther and farther away from me. “My name… is Mitsuha!” screamed the girl, then she undid the string tying up her hair and held it out to me. Instinctively,
I
stretched out my hand. The band was a vivid orange, like the slender rays of the evening sun shining into the dim train car.
I
thrust my body into the crowd and firmly grasped it. And then,
I
woke up. The echoes of the girl’s voice still faintly lingered in my eardrum. … name… Mitsuha? An unfamiliar name, and an unfamiliar girl wearing an unfamiliar school uniform. She seemed so desperate.
I
remember the look in her eyes right before the tears started to fall from them. It was a serious, solemn expression, as if she gripped the very fate of the universe in her delicate hands. But, well, it was just a dream. A meaningless dream.
I
already can’t even remember clearly what her face looked like. The echoes in my ears have disappeared too. But still. Still, my heart is beating unnaturally fast. My chest feels strangely heavy. My body is covered in sweat. To start off,
I
took a deep breath. “...?” Did
I
catch a cold? Something feels wrong with my nose and throat. My windpipe is a little narrower than usual. My chest feels strangely heavy. Like, physically heavy.
I
glanced down at my body and saw my cleavage.
My cleavage
. “...?” The morning sun reflected off those bulges, causing the smooth white skin to shine. In between the two breasts, a deep shadow had gathered, like a blue lake in the valley between two mountains.
Well,
I
guess
I
’ll give them a feel,
I
thought suddenly. The idea sprung up so naturally and automatically, like how an apple falls to the ground under the force of gravity. …… … …? …!
I
was impressed. Oooh,
I
thought. What is this? Taking it very seriously,
I
continued to fondle them. It was… how to put it… girls’ bodies are amazing… “... onee-chan? What are you doing?” Quickly turning towards the direction of the voice,
I
saw a small girl standing next to the opened sliding door. While still moving my hands about,
I
offered my honest thoughts. “Oh, you know,
I
was just thinking how real this feels… eh?”
I
looked at the girl again: a cheeky looking kid of about ten years old with twintails and slanted eyes. “... onee-chan?”
I
asked the child, pointing to myself. That means… this girl is my little sister? “What are you doing? Get up! Hurry, it’s time to eat!” the girl said with a thoroughly disgusted expression, then slammed the door shut. While thinking she seemed like quite a violent child,
I
got up out of the futon. Now that the girl mentions breakfast,
I
realize
I
’m hungry. Suddenly,
I
spotted a dresser in the corner of my eye. After walking a few steps on the tatami,
I
stood in front of the mirror.
I
slipped the loose pajamas off my shoulders, leaving me naked, and began to stare intently at the body reflected in the mirror. Long black hair like a current of water, with strands sticking up in various places from the previous night’s sleep. On a small round face, large curious eyes and lips that looked somewhat cheerful. A thin neck and deep gaps above the collarbones. A healthy bulge at the chest. The gentle curves of the stomach and hips, stretching down from below the shadow of the faintly protruding ribcage.
I
had never seen it in person before, but it was unmistakably a woman’s body. A woman’s?
I
am… a woman? All of a sudden, the hazy drowsiness that had enveloped my body since waking up lifted completely. In an instant, my head became clear, and, in the next, fell into confusion. And then, not able to bear it any longer,
I
screamed. “Onee-chan, you’re late!” As
I
slid open the door and entered the living room, Yotsuha confronted me with that aggressive tone of hers. “
I
’ll make breakfast tomorrow!”
I
said in place of an apology. This child has a bad habit of thinking she’s more reliable and grown up than her big sister, despite the fact that not even all of her baby teeth have fallen out yet. Must not show any weakness by apologizing!
I
thought as
I
opened the rice cooker and piled the sparkly fresh grains into my bowl. Ah, did
I
get too much? Meh, whatever.
“
Itadakimaasu
.” After pouring plenty of sauce on my fried egg,
I
stuffed a bite of it into my mouth along with some rice. Aaah, delicious. Perhaps this is true happi