Recent reviews by [404] Dr.Pen♂r

I'm from Buenos Aires, and I say "The Falklands 're British"

Literally the only game you can play when you have a small child

I've been Idle-ing since TF2 introduced hats. You tend to burn out after a number of soft resets but this game brought me back into it. It has the passive play of Cookie Clicker with the on-screen activity of Clicker Heroes 1. The romance options are viable and realistic. The FPS is a smooth 144.

It has as many leaves as Cyberpunk has bugs and I haven't managed to reach the hard cap yet. This is truly the Tesla of Idle games.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOHHHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OH
HOOOOOOOHOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO
HOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

du du du dun du du du dun du du du dun du du du du du du du du du du du du dun

Swiped my card

Always dunk on Yellows.

I bought this because I heard how absolutely awful it was and how it was a nail in the coffin for telltale. Truthfully, the reviews were right. I just watched an 8 hour long cutscene interspersed with QTE spamfests, none of the choices matter and there is absolutely no gameplay besides murder scene connect-4 . Yet.... it was actually fun. Treat it as an interactive movie and you'll not come away disappointed. Unless you're on windows 10 because the game crashes nearly every scene.

Worth a buy? If you find it on sale and aren't running windows 10, sure, why not, at least you don't have to sign out of steam friends like when you play a hentai game.

Yar har fiddle de dee
being a pirate is all you can be
the game isn't good so get it for free
you should not buy it

Scientific studies had previously debunked a causal relationship between video games and violence. This game changed all of that after 30 minutes in.
Raft-mates burning all the planks cooking potatoes, building wooden decks out to nowhere, ignoring all downed teammates, fighting over barrels and STEALING. YOUR. DAMNED. VINE. GOO. YOU WILL JUST WANT TO BASH THE NEAREST SURVIVOR OVER THE HEAD WITH YOUR HOOK AND HOLD HIM UNDER THE WATER UNTIL THE BUBBLES STOP

10/10

I really want to love this game but it suffers from the same "Day One Paradox" issues that all previously releases do. The bare bones of a game are cobbled together and then its pushed out into the world, but just like in real life, giving birth to a skeleton is horrifying. I want to love this meatless abomination but I can't.
It wanted to be EU4 and CK2, yet like all compromises, its neither. Being based primarily on EU4 for territory acquistion and expansion means this Rome based game is unable to do the simplest things for characters and intrigue to give the game the depth it needs. It cannot simulate the backstabbing, the plebian strife, the concentration of power and the vivid political manoeuvering that brings this period of history to life.
A prime example of this is that Rome is led by purely one consul. If Paradox cannot figure out how to make the most important part of Rome work, ITS LEADERSHIP, how could they model the rest of the era?

Looking past Rome? Tribes that were historically confined to wooden huts in deep forest now form empires of centralized power bases blobbing across half the known world with regularity, Empires that fractured repeatedly with massive civil strife are balanced to hold territory. There are no penalties for forcibly converting or assimilating populations, in fact they're happier. Every action is based on Mana points. Defeat a large empire and you may take at most 10% of its provinces in a deal. A far cry from the Makedonian conquests. Where a certain General conquered the entirety of Gaul in less than a year, you'll take far longer.

In short, this game refuses to let you play as Caesar nor as Alexander. You should never be able to 5x Speed a game in this era if it were made correctly but you'll just spend your time fast forwarding for mana regeneration and then hit your 270 year limit before you know it.