“Once upon a time,” I began. “There was a little boy born in a little town. He was
perfect, or so his mother thought. But one thing was different about him. He had
a gold screw in his belly button. Just the head of it peeping out.
“Now his mother was simply glad he had all his fingers and toes to count with.
But as the boy grew up he realized not everyone had screws in their belly
buttons, let alone gold ones. He asked his mother what it was for, but she didn’t
know. Next he asked his father, but his father didn’t know. He asked his
grandparents, but they didn’t know either.
“That settled it for a while, but it kept nagging him. Finally, when he was old
enough, he packed a bag and set out, hoping he could find someone who knew
the truth of it.
“He went from place to place, asking everyone who claimed to know something
about anything. He asked midwives and physickers, but they couldn’t make
heads or tails of it. The boy asked arcanists, tinkers, and old hermits living in
the woods, but no one had ever seen anything like it.
“He went to ask the Cealdim merchants, thinking if anyone would know about
gold, it would be them. But the Cealdim merchants didn’t know. He went to the
arcanists at the University, thinking if anyone would know about screws and
their workings, they would. But the arcanists didn’t know. The boy followed the
road over the Stormwal to ask the witch women of the Tahl, but none of them
could give him an answer.
“Eventually he went to the King of Vint, the richest king in the world. But the
king didn’t know. He went to the Emperor of Atur, but even with all his power,
the emperor didn’t know. He went to each of the small kingdoms, one by one,
but no one could tell him anything.
“Finally the boy went to the High King of Modeg, the wisest of all the kings in
the world. The high king looked closely at the head of the golden screw peeping
from the boy’s belly button. Then the high king made a gesture, and his
seneschal brought out a pillow of golden silk. On that pillow was a golden box.
The high king took a golden key from around his neck, opened the box, and
inside was a golden screwdriver.
“The high king took the screwdriver and motioned the boy to come closer.
Trembling with excitement, the boy did. Then the high king took the golden
screwdriver and put it in the boy’s belly button.”
I paused to take a long drink of water. I could feel my small audience leaning
toward me. “Then the high king carefully turned the golden screw. Once:
Nothing. Twice: Nothing. Then he turned it the third time, and the boy’s ass fell
off.”
There was a moment of stunned silence.
“What?” Hespe asked incredulously.
“His ass fell off.”