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Remember that flick Uwe Boll made with the dude from Cannonball Run? This game is EXACTLY like that. Cannonball Run dude is running around the Nascar circuit trying to get up Loni Anderson's skirt in the movie, and in the game you're doing...uh, ♥♥♥♥. That may be be Stroker Ace. I think there was a movie based on this anyways. Maybe it wasn't exactly like the game. I think I remember Loni Anderson though.

Oh wait, now I remember where I was going this. This game is a lot like Loni Anderson in that it used to be pretty hot ♥♥♥♥, but it hasn't aged so well. Still... Action RPG's started with Diablo, but they started to branch out and experiment with Dungeon Siege. It's a good bit of nostalgia but it's goign to look pretty fugly and the controls we've come to know in Action RPG's have been refined a lot since those days, so it's going to feel a bit weird at first. But, just like Burt Reynold's 'stache, it'll feel right before long and you'll just go with it because it's warm and nostalgic and tickles a bit in all the right places.

Pinball FX 2 makes me feel so conflicted. Some days it's 'OH GOD THIS GAME IS FANTASTIC I NEED MORE' and some days it's "SCREW YOU PINBALL YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME". Despite the polarity and mental abuse that it gives, I still find myself coming back for more. It could be the stellar pinball physics, it could be the cool table designs, or it could be I just love it despite what it does to me so I can't bear to not play it.

All in all, it's pretty great. All it's missing is the smell of dirty ashtrays and over fried grease of my truckstop pinball days of the 80's. Oh, and the rack of nudie mags that they used to stand next to the Addams Family table at my truckstop back in the days too. That'd be nice.

I WANT TO PLAY DARRYL DIXON!!!

What do you mean I can't play Darryl Dixon?? You mean this little girl doesn't grow up to be Darryl Dixon? Dammit, where's the game where I get to play Darryl Dixon? This doesn't even let you use cross bows or pull triggers, this is ridiculous!

NO REALLY, I want to play that other game, the one with Darryl Dixon, I don't want to baby sit this little girl! This isn't even a shooter, I don't even....but...that little, girl, she's all by herself. There's zombies and stuff though, is she going to be safe? I mean, I guess I could stick around a little while, make sure she's okay. That'd just be like...mean leaving her to fend for herself and stuff. We'll just play along a little longer, till we make sure she's safe, then we'll go shoot stuff with the....

OH MY GOD WHY DID THEY DO THIS THERE IS NO WAY THAT LITTLE GIRL IS GOING TO BE OKAY. DON'T WORRY LITTLE GIRL I'LL GET YOU THROUGH TO THE END IT WILL BE OKAY I PROMISE

It was one of those rare days; I'd woken up sober for a change, my head a bit muddled from the unexpected absense of corn whiskey and pain killers. The pain killers were still there, but the fog had taken a vacation that day. I was awoken by the post man, he only rang once, but he left a package. They were my new enhanced pants; they fit nice, tight across the seat showing off what some say is my best asset. I didn't care how they looked though. They let me jump. They let me jump high. That counted for a lot in my line of work.

I hadn't been in the pants for long before the doorbell rang again. I figured itt was the drab UPS man coming back to check on the fit of my order, but instead I was hit with a dame charging in without waiting for an answer. Her hair flamed red, fell down over the shoulders of her severe over coat with her fedora pulled low to hide her eyes. I stood looking her up and down; it was quite the sight. She stood avoiding any attempt at eye contact, though I noticed my new pants caught her attention again and again.

"I don't have time for games," she spat as she opened her coat and reached a steady hand into the shadows inside. I tensed for moment thinking she might be going for her piece. That thought didnt' last long though; if she had come to rub me out, she would have done it by now.

She threw a folder on my desk, finally looking me in the eye from under the brim of her hat. Her eyes, they were brown. "I lied. This is actually a game. But it's a fun game, so you're going to like it. You're going to figure out how to get through all of these buildings, then you're going to hack some computers, maybe punch a few guards. It's going to make you think and it's going to make you get creative. And the whole time, you're going to get a jazzy soundtrack that's pretty great to push you along."

I snagged the folder from the desk, flipping through the pages. The thought of playing a game, a game that was part stealth, a game that was part puzzle; it sounded like a tough nut to crack, I knew I was the man for the job though. After all, I was having a good day and I've got these new pants to try out.

"I'll do it," I said, looking up for the folder.

As abruptly as she'd entered, the flame haired dame and vanished, leaving me alone with nothing but a case load and the promises of puzzles to solve. I was going to find my way back to her; after all she'd never mentioned how she planned to pay for the job.

Like my pre-teen kid when she's hopped up on Mountain Dew and Skittles, Castle Crashers is completely frenetic and has a penchant for toilet humor. And that's why we love it! The cartoonish graphics are great and there's little else more satisfying that to run around bludgeoning things indiscriminately . It's cheap, you'll have hours of fun.

Why aren't you playing already?

What is this garbage? I'm a hardcore GAMER, I don't play solitaire
*click*click*click*
And what's with this faerie nonsense? Totally not in my Monster swilling image of gamer brovana
*click*click*click*
I mean, they can't really exepect me to keep playing thi
*click*click*click*
I"ve got other game to pl
*click*click*click*
But...but this is
*click*click*click*
Go away....playing Faerie Solitaire

The game play of Civ V can be likened to that one party back in the late 80's you went to. You know, that one where your friends ditched you to go party with those hot chicks that worked at the mall and you wound up hanging out with the coke head that used to pick his nose in study hall?

He gives you that first bump, it takes a few seconds and you start to feel something tingle, you feel a little bit more a live. Wired you could say. In Civ V, you found your first city, everything feels fresh and exciting, you're braving new ground here. Wired you could say.

Pretty soon, Cokie gives you a second bump, your blood beings to flow a little faster, you can see things a little quicker, music starts to take shape in your brain, bringing to life something new! In Civ V, you send your warriors exploring, maybe you start to build a worker. Your adrenalines picking up a bit, you're excited for what's going to happen next. Excited for your future. Pretty soon, a monument pops up in your city, a citizen moves in, you've given life to something new!

Now, you and Cokie, you're on a roll. You're rocking and rolling, you're taking your bumps, sustaining the electricty. You're dancing, life springs eternal aroudn you and you are in tune with the world! Your cities are growing, your military is taking shape and becoming formiddable, Your culture is alive and strong, your infrastructure is vast and carries life to all of your cities, like the blood that throbs in your veins!

It's about 2am and you and Cokie, you guys are starting to peak. You feel like you can conquer the world with the power that pulses within you! Your kingdom, it's pulsing with power as well. You start to conquer your neighboring city-states, not to right wrongs, not to engulf their resources; simply because you can.

Then, it happens. It's 3am and you're starting to crash. Your body feels limp, you are starting to sweat. The weakness starts to spread, tangible and sweet, you can't take much more. Back in Sid Meier land, Alexander the Great, he got tired of your brutal ways and decided to smack you around. He's closing in on your borders, your outlying puppet master cities began to falter, your borders begin to shrink.

And then, at both that coke fueled party in the late 80's and in your imaginary kingdom that you've built in Sid Meier's Civ V, you blink and realize it's 6am. You haven't slept, you can't remember what you've done for the last 8 hours, but you vaguely remember having a hell of a time doing whatever it was you did. There's just that one nagging thought that you're afraid Catherine of Russia may call you that last night and you're pretty certain you should feel bad for the way you treated her last night.

That's what playign Civ V is like.

I grew up on a diet of late night monster movies and bad scifi flicks and if there's one thing I retained from those days, it's the knowledge that Van Helsing is the most bad ass monster hunter there is. Well...some of the Van Helsing's are. You see, in history, there's like 912 different Van Helsing's out there. I think they're all related too, but I'm not 100% on that. Some are kick ass, some are not. The Van Helsing in this game though is clsoer to the kick ass end of the scale.

Even though I'm 40, I stil dream of being a monster slayer when I grow up. It's probably never going to happen though, so having a monster slayer simulator is pretty nice. This Van Helsing game pits you against large waves of monsters and let's you feel like Peter Cushing in a Hammer flick as you go to town with your dual swords, blood flying left and right and monsters falling like chumps. (Two swords are always cooler than one sword, or a rifle you amateur)

As far as Action RPG's go, Van Helsing's a weird hybrd sandwiched between the buns of Diablo II and Torchlight II. You get some min-maxing of stats on items, but not enough to feel like a sperg lord, plus a limited amount of skills that make you actually think before you plunk your points down so that you don't wind up with a Van Helsing with a limp sword arm. Plus, the environments are pretty nice and gothic with a creepy atomsphere, again like a Hammer flick so it plays well to horror nerds, such as myself.

The game can be pretty tough, you're going drink potions like an addict and you're going to swear at your monitor a lot, but making up swear words is a fun part of being a gamer. it still feels rewarding to be able to come up with a combination of wepons strenth and skill points to be able to kick the snot out of that werewolf that's been having it's way with your hind parts. There's two downfall's to Van Helsing, one being that it's a one and done playthrough, meaning you're not going to play through it obsessively seven times to become the prettiest princess with the shiniest breast plate, but it's pretty fun for that one play through. The other is that one of the things I enjoy in ARPG's the playing dress up with your toon to be the prettiest princess, finding the coolest looking. Van Helsing's getup isn't going to change a whole lot throughout the game, but he still looks pretty cool to start.

He looks cooler than Hugh Jackman did as Van Helsing at the very lest.

I was at a Grateful Dead show one time, sitting out on the lawn seats, when some hippie sitting next to me asked me if I wanted any crunch berries. It being a Dead show, we were like....an hour and a half into the first song of the concert and I knew it was going to be a long night so I figured I better eat. Those were some crunch berries.

It didn't take long for whatever those things were laced with to kick in, before I knew it I was seeing all sorts of bizarre creatures and crazy stuff that I knew wasn't actually there. I mean hell.....the lawn section started to look like a dungeon and Jerry Garcia (RIP) started to look like a fat little devil with wings. (That may not have been a hallucination.) That was all well and good, it being The Dead and all, but it wasn't long before I started getting the munchies AND getting a wicked case of the munchies, so I figured I had to make my way to the concession stand.

As you can imagine, walking through a see of dirty hippies, tripping balls and hallucinating like a mofo is quite the adventure.

That's kind of what Giana Sisters feels like. A crazy trip to the concession stand, with the pay off being a satisfying plate of greasy nachos that satisfies a case of the mary jane munchies like no other!

In addition to that great aesthetic, it's got some kick ass game play too. I love platformers like a Dead Head loves crunch berries, and this has some of the tightest platformer controls in this modern era.

Did you stay up until the wee hours letting Mario crush your dreams as you made your way through the later levels, never giving up until you hit that flag at the end? Did you lean your first swear words at the hands of Kid Icarus? Do you enjoy crazy ass trips at jam band music festivals? You'll love Gianna Sisters: Twisted Dreams then!

Nerds threw giant nerd fits when Diablo III came out because they couldn't min-max stats on their Epic Helm of Sperg Lording but I didn't give a ♥♥♥♥. I loved it because I love to click on ♥♥♥♥ repeatedly and watch it explode. So, when I got done with D3 for like the 5th time, I was ready for something new. Enter Torchlight II.

Torchlight II is the same kind of Action RPG game play as the Diablo Series, with a different coat of paint and a loose attempt at story. In essence, it's the same stuff over again! But, some say it fixes that min-max thing that Diablo was missing. Me? I couldn't tell ya. Why? I don't give a ♥♥♥♥! I get to run around clicking on stuff until I get tendinitis in my wrist again, making giant hordes of monsters asplode in a big gory mess! And what do I get rewarded for those troubles? I get to don crazier and crazier looking armor and find bigger weapons that make stuff explode....EVEN BIGGER!

Plus, the art style is pretty great in the Torchlight series. They're pretty and they have cool back grounds and my Outlander looks like a bad ass. Well...he looks like a bad ass with a bucket on his head. I haven't found a better helmet yet though. At least, not one that has that stats I need to push my agility to the level where I can crit with every second shot, while still giving the strength I need to make those crits score high.

Oh ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, I turned into a min-max nerd. See what you made me do Torchlight II?