Recent reviews by CFK

Instant serotonin. Cats are so good y'all.

For someone's college game design final project, it's alright. Not in this or any other universe is it worth 15bux. Some very cheap deaths, getting stuck on walls that enemies could clip through, very repetitive combat and level design. The aesthetic is cool, if a little heavy on bright saturated glowy neon effects. Might be fun to play on acid. Get it on a steep, steep discount, but if and only if you're a fan of roguelites, boomer shooters, and spellcasty mage nonsense.

it's okay i guess

Number Go Up: The Game: The Movie: The Game.

Well worth the price.

I just finished subjecting myself to another of the poorly-explained, luck-based challenges and while trying to manage my near-terminal case of "totally and completely annoyed out of my skin" I thought to myself "if they're charging more than, say, 3 bux for this crap I'm going to have to write a strongly-worded letter". Turns out it costs exactly that (3 Euros that is) when it's not on sale, so you're all getting this review instead.

This is barely worth buying at 90% off. I can imagine maybe a third of these challenges came from the mindset of "what if a particular playstyle, but on crack", and the other two-thirds are "how do we straight-up f*** with the nerds who bought this game".

The one thing I enjoy about this garbage is how it's implied they're Corvo's bad dreams. For my next trick I'm going to find the degenerate piece of trash that actually has the Void Star achievement and shatter their skull so I can flush their head in several different toilets at once, while taking their lunch money.

There's my ringing endorsement: if you are capable of being good at this and surviving, you should be bullied more.

Holy ♥♥♥♥♥♥ jesus I don't think I've had this much fun getting rekt in recent memory.

Take your classic Super Smash action, add Nidhogg's simple 2D ultraviolence sensibilities, and douse the entire thing in the aesthetic of early internet stick figure slaughterfests like Xiao Xiao and Madness. Then add a fat ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rail of cocaine and you might, if you're lucky, approach a pale approximation of this game.

I'm writing this while not exactly sober; it becomes an impromptu drinking game because the only time you have to take a sip of your drink is when you've just been horribly murdered. (Or blasted yourself off the screen with your own recoil. ♥♥♥♥♥♥ snake shotguns.)

Listen, just buy this game. Even after it goes off discount it's a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ steal. Unless you don't have any friends. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Do you like:

• Spicy old-school shooter action?
  
• Weapons and enemies sufficiently diverse that you'll need to pick the right tool for the job?
  
• Atmospheric level design?
  
• Good, judicious pacing (including puzzles and sightseeing sections to break up the combat)?
  
• Secret-hunting that amounts to more than "hmm this texture looks out of place"?
  
• Tastefully-distributed lore?
  
• Delicious sound design?
  
• Thicc orc babes?

Then buy this game. It's almost unreasonably good. The only points of criticism I can think of are that the in-game text could use a little editing, and (though this might be down to my personal case of Slightly Larger Giant Enemy Crab Syndrome) the inventory items don't stand out very much - though I used plenty of them in boss fights, so there's that. I also personally think that the presence of Unreal 2's Shock Lance counts as homage rather than shameless cribbing, but your mileage may vary.

Eagerly awaiting future episodes.

This is exactly what fencing would be like if human society was a pointless zero-sum tug of war in which, despite efforts that may be heroic (though we have no way of knowing for sure and may in fact be the bad guy) we are inevitably eaten by a giant beast--

Oh, right. Capitalism.

Well, okay, so I guess it's not EXACTLY like fencing. But it's beautiful and engrossing and I may be biased because I get into swordfights on the regular but I think I'd also have enjoyed the hell out of this game before I started doing that.