Recent reviews by Bongers

Just checked.


Still good as ever.

Story time. My mission was simple: Kill a general set up in an abandoned school, and a diplomat in the Swedish embassy. Easy mode for 47.

I'll spare the details about the general, and tell the beautiful tale about how practicing your throwing arm will save you.

I started stranging a guard to get his uniform, but his friend saw me. I threw a sword in his face, and hid both of them in a trash can. So good so far, right? I then go downstairs, where I am immediately recognized by another soldier. I engage in glorious melee combat, and end it by snapping his neck. His friend then arrives, and I throw my sword at him (again), and hide both of them in a locker. This is going to be a thing, isn't it?

I manage to get inside the embassy, where I instantly get spotted by a security guard. I somehow draw him into a small corridor without alerting anyone else, and proceed to throw my sword, which I was somehow still allowed to carry. I switch clothes, and decide that maybe it's time to ditch the sword. Then I find a screwdriver...

I proceed to, one-by-one, surgically kill so many people with a single throw of the screwdriver that I lost count towards the end. If 47 ever entered the javelin toss Olympics, he would be unstoppable. He would probably also kill all the opponents before the event even began, but that's a different story for, hopefully, a mission in the next game.

After killing the general and his men, this time with the sword AND the screwdriver, I swap back to my neat black Italian wool suit, and escape.

My score according to the game? Zero. None, zip, zilch, nada, nothing. Absolutely ♥♥♥♥-all

My score according to me? Infinite.

This is an example of some of the unique experiences I've had in the game: The story of Hebephelia Advocate


It was a late night CSGO session with some friends and we're all on a Teamspeak server.
I'm EU, but since my 3 friends are all NA, they're naturally worse than me.
We needed a 5th player, so we made a private lobby, and began inviting everyone we could.
A guy joined the lobby, nobody had any idea who he was.
He typed: "Hello my friends, let us win".
Everyone ♥♥♥♥ their pants, we all bailed to remake the lobby, and made sure it's set to private.
He rejoined the lobby.
This time, over voice: "We cannot lose with God on our side".
Whatever it, we're all SEM-GN3 at the time, he was Legendary Eagle, so we just started queue.
Map was de_mirage, atleast it isn't de_dust2.
We got into warmup, started the usual banter with the enemy team; who had sex with my mother, who is Russian, etc. (this took place before Valve muted warmup, halftime, and postgame).
He said: "Hello and welcome to Counter-Strike: Global Offensive trademark by Valve trademark" (he actually said trademark).
Both teams were confused, but I was laughing.
He only bought MAC-10s every round, and he never told us where he's going.
He didn't respond when we asked him to buy us an AK or AWP.
When he got the bomb the first time, he said: "It is time to go kill our enemy".
Team rageed, I laughed so hard I woke my parents, and probably my neighbors too.
We died several times, but since he just went his own way, he was usually the last one alive.
"I guess I have to do this myself"
As game went on, we let him do his own thing, because he wasn't even doing too bad.
My team eventually tried to kick him, but I voted no.
"I voted no because I like you Hebophelia"
"Thank you, the feeling is not mutual"
sadviolin.mp3
Suddenly, the game went to absolute ♥♥♥♥, and the round score went from like 14-6 to 15-14, still in our favor.
We somehow had barely any money, so we decided to buy up and rush A.
We managed to kill 2, but got slaughtered, A+ for effort.
Everyone typed GG in chat, but the game didn't end there.
I looked at the map, and I realized that Hebephelia Advocate was still alive, and had the bomb with him.
He ran to B on his own.
Before going in, he gave us the warcry of a true crusader: "We cannot lose with God on our side"
The madman lost his mind, and ran in 1v3, MAC-10 in hand.
He somehow managed to take out all 3 CTs.
Post-game was silent, both teams had nothing to say.
Nothing could be said.
He left.
We don't know who he was, how he joined, or where he is from in real life.
We played on NA, everyone had 15-60 ping, I'm in EU with 120 ping, not too shabby.
He had 70-90, so he could be from Asia, EU or NA (basically anywhere in the world).
He had this strange Tommy Wiseau-like accent, so he could be brain-damaged American, nicest Russian ever, French, even Asian, but with a slightly weird accent while speaking English.
I decided to look up his account, it says: "no information given, this profile is private"
I just wanted to know more.


I have no idea where he is from, who (or what) he is, but all I want to say if he ever reads this:

Thank you, Hebephelia Advocate.
Thank you very much.

If you like games that have depth and interesting gameplay, you should buy this so you have a frame of reference as to what a shallow and uninteresting game is.

Game is amazing, it's like a text adventure but without the adventure. 10/10