@Ethan, you know this isn't real life... right?

What can I say about this man that his citation in the vault at the State Department hasn't already? He went from being a 1st Lieutenant with so many disciplinary warnings that they were going to retroactively remove his good conduct medal from his service record, to a full bird Colonel now running one of the most efficient bases in eastern Europe, helping to integrate the Polish into a modern NATO military coalition. Once cited for bravery when he saved six tourists from Barcelona attempting to board the wrong flight to Ukraine, the day OF the invasion, he in turn took their tickets and gave them to six chronic wife beaters who were later found beheaded by Wagner mercenaries in several Funker530 videos. I will not further belabor his acts of heroism for we know them all already, but I will stop by to say only this. If you game with this man, you game with a legend.

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I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate gaming laptops.
Today when I walked into my economics class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The Forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than Amy Schumer's thigh. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them.

The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate gaming laptops.

After a good game in arma 3, i added him because he seemed like a cool guy. We got chatting, over the next couple of months we became good friends. Lots of banter, some fun times and most importantly true friendship.
I invited him to my house for a arma 3 lan party. He said he was coming so i was looking forward to meeting him in real life.
When he arrived at my house, he pushed me against the wall and started nibbling my ear, i felt his hard ♥♥♥♥ push against my leg. I punched him and then i ran. Turns out he was gay. Don't trust this guy.