Recent reviews by AlastromLive

So I miss wandering warm sands in a post apocalypse wasteland with nothing but three hundred of my closest friends as much as the next guy, but at some point we all have to move on. Donkey Crew did. I think.. it's hard to tell. But if Bellwright is the offspring of those halcyon days where we all sat home, played video games and ordered take out, it will clearly be the child everyone talks about at Christmas while uncomfortable asking "And how is... whatever the hell your name is."

Gamers are weird, the same people that complain Donkey Crew abandoned Last Oasis were the first rats off the proverbial walker. I get it, you had to go back to work after we all culturally appropriated Chinese coughing culture and you just didn't have time for hardcore survival games anymore. But you had plenty of time to swing by with a snappy review thirty minutes after the official launch, so it's a lot like the rat calling the Rupu a gamer word. My point is, we should be reviewing games based on the game itself. Not some political grudge match against the developers that gave you hundreds of hours of content at sub triple A prices. If you have more to say on another game... say... any other game that comes to mind you should probably go play that, review that or shut up about that.

So how is Bellwright? Yeah, it's pretty good. Did you like Medieval Dynasty? Do you enjoy Mount and Blade? Do you have three friends? Well, if you answered yes to at least two of the above you'll probably like this too. (I bet I can guess the two.) If none of the above apply to you then I would instead invest in a turkey baster and let your folks know it's not too late to try again.

Red Banana were the good guys and did nothing wrong.

You wouldn't get it...

We donned our new capes like conquering heroes, weary but alive with the electric charge of victory pulsating through our veins. The creek, a mere strip of land on the map, yet a battleground that had captured the hearts and souls of every Helldiver in the galaxy. For weeks, we poured our blood, sweat, and tears into its soil, fighting tooth and nail against the encroaching darkness of oppression.

Malevelon Creek, "the" creek, they called it. A name etched in the annals of our struggle, a beacon of defiance against the relentless tide of tyranny. The battles were fierce, the victories, short lived. We were no longer fighting for survival, those thoughts left us weeks ago. Now we fought for something much more elusive. The knowledge that we were right and whatever we did, we did in the name of managed democracy. Across the galaxy, entire planets were devoured by bugs but that didn't matter to us. We knew our energy would prevail.

Today, the sky above Malevelon Creek was painted with the colors of freedom, as we stood atop the smoldering ruins of our adversaries. The air crackled with the residue of expended ammunition, mingling with the sweet scent of victory. We had reclaimed what was rightfully ours, wresting it from the clutches of those who sought to dominate and oppress. Yet even as we surveyed the battered landscape, a discordant melody of emotions played within us. Some whispered of the cost, the sacrifices made in pursuit of this fleeting moment of triumph. They spoke of the resources expended, the lives lost, questioning whether the price was too steep for a mere patch of earth. Traitors, was the word of the day. Traitors, they called us. As if the dead could hear them.

But the Creekers didn't care. They saw beyond the scars and the rubble, their eyes ablaze with the fervor of purpose. To them, Malevelon Creek was not just a piece of land; it was a symbol of defiance, a testament to the indomitable spirit of the Helldivers. They reveled in the victory, embracing the sacrifices made as the currency of freedom. And so, as the echoes of battle faded into the distance, we stood at the precipice of history, torn between the conflicting currents of doubt and determination. Malevelon Creek, once a mere footnote in the annals of war, now etched its name in the stars, a beacon of hope amidst the darkness.

For in the end, whether Malevelon Creek was worth the cost mattered not; what mattered was that we fought, we bled, and we triumphed. And as long as the spirit of the Helldivers burned bright, no victory would ever be in vain. Our sartorial reward stands a reminder to those that fought, those that died and those that continue to fight. Even now, with the right set of eyes and a clear day, you can stand atop the hill of victory and make out the craters of all of us that defiantly said "we were there."

I AM A DWARF AND I'M SERVING A BEER!
SERVING SERVING BEER!
SERVING SERVING BEER!

The difference between people who love this game and hate it is about 20 IQ points in either direction.

HE WAS MILKIN' THEM BOYS OUT ON THE HOMESTEAD!
HE WAS MILKIN' THEM BOYS OUT ON THE HOMESTEAD!
HE WAS MILKIN' THEM BOYS OUT ON THE HOMESTEAD!
HE WAS MILKIN' THEM BOYS OUT ON THE HOMESTEAD!
HE WAS MILKIN' THEM BOYS OUT ON THE HOMESTEAD!
i had sex in a tank
HE WAS MILKIN' THEM BOYS OUT ON THE HOMESTEAD!

Gather 'round you wretched wasteland wanderers, and let me spin you a twisted tale of a game they call "Kenshi." A swirling vortex of chaos and survival, Picture this: a desolate landscape, a mishmash of post-apocalyptic nightmares, where bloodthirsty bandits and mechanical monstrosities roam with a sense of purpose that's more deranged than a paranoid junkie on a bender.

The controls? Well, they're as clunky as a broken-down dune buggy held together with duct tape and dreams. In this world, where every decision might land you in a cannibal's cauldron, elegance isn't the name of the game. But mark my words, dear readers, for all its grotesque charm, Kenshi possesses an addictive quality that's akin to the grip of a savage hallucination. You'll curse its name as you fumble through its intricacies, and yet you'll find yourself drawn to it like a moth to a bugzapper.

In the end, "Kenshi" is not a game for the faint of heart or the stable of mind. It's a wild ride through the savage landscapes of the digital abyss, a fever dream that blurs the lines between reality and the deranged fantasies of a chemically-altered psyche. Approach with caution, for once you enter this realm, you can quit, uninstall and walk away but you can never be done with it.

I've always thought the game was pretty good but a lot of my friends only play it for three minutes at a time.

Ladies and gentlemen, and those who find themselves somewhere in between, I must implore you to proceed with caution as I recount my experience with "Baldur's Gate 3." Picture, if you will, a world suspended between the realms of shadow and light, where choices are as delicate as a spider's thread and consequences hang as heavy as storm clouds over a once sunny day. The visual tapestry woven by the creators is a masterpiece that rivals the most captivating of spectacles. One might mistake the landscapes for paintings in a dream, if it weren't for the ever-present threat that prowls in the shadows. Every corner turned is a leap of faith, much like walking through a fog-laden forest where the path shifts as if guided by unseen hands.

The game's premise is a puzzle as perplexing as it is captivating: a group of unsuspecting souls thrust into a vortex of intrigue, tasked with navigating a web of moral dilemmas and fantastical absurdities. Much like a snake shedding its skin, the narrative peels away layers of uncertainty, revealing a story both enigmatic and enthralling. Fraught with dark magic and even darker humor, you'll embark on a journey that could only be orchestrated by fate with a wicked sense of irony. The characters, much like the treacherous terrain they traverse, are as unpredictable as a fire-breathing kitten.. adorable but you shouldn't be surprised if you walk away without missing articles of clothing. You could be forgiven, dear gamer, for thinking the gods themselves are indulging in a particularly malicious game of dice but rest assured; the dice are in your hands and yours alone.

Certainly, consider the captivating cast of characters in this curious and cryptic land. Clad in costumes that could only be called colorful and calamitous, they converse with a cadence both charming and convoluted. Each one possesses a charisma that draws you into their complex and compelling stories, creating a collage of personalities as compelling as a cacaphony. One cannot help but wonder if the universe itself has a mischievous chuckle at the plight of these adventurers, much like a cryptic crossword clue. Every choice you make is a step onto a rickety bridge over a chasm of uncertainty, and yet, like a moth to an eerie flame, you'll find it nearly impossible to resist the allure consequences unknown. Whether it's forming alliances with beings both bizarre and bewildering or grappling with moral quandaries that twist like a serpent's coils, the narrative strings you along, as you become both puppet and puppeteer.

Therefore, my intrepid travelers, if you possess the audacity to plunge headlong into the enigmatic narrative that weaves through these intricate corridors, I beseech you to exercise caution with each deliberate step you take. Imagine, if you will, a thorny rose ensconced in a tempestuous thunderstorm – such is the peculiar allure of the tumultuous journey that unfolds before you. As you traverse through these twisted tales, there exists an inexplicable magnetism within the chaos, and a curious sense of accomplishment derived from navigating its treacherous waters unscathed. A cautionary tale, an enigma wrapped in a riddle, this game beckons you with the promise of adventure, but remember: not all who wander are meant to find their way.


-From the Regailings of the Bard, Snickett.

Bought it just so I could leave a review asking for larger squad sizes. Please give larger squad sizes.