All your houses are bugged you dumb ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! Everyone right now should be scouring the internet to find someone to come over and do a thorough examination. I thought I was totally safe jerking off to celebrity porn on my living room couch until I got an email from Mike Pence offering me a job as his personal chef so I can "serve him up a big plate of that hot ♥♥♥♥"--HIS WORDS. I dunno what that guy's deal is but he must have sent my info to his sex slaves because now I've got Mitch McConnell, Lindsay Graham and Rick Santorum crowding up my inbox calling me an "angel" and asking if I can come over and stuff them like a Russian ballot box.

Anyway i'm pretty sure my Xbox Kinect has been bugged so I put a piece of tape over the camera and now I keep getting text messages from the Catholic Church telling me to remove the tape. I had no idea so many people are trying to watch me beat my meat in the privacy of my own home! I found a camera in my shower and when I threw it out Kevin Spacey hurled a brick through my window with a note on it saying to put it back you sexy gorilla. I mean don't take my word for it, just ask Mitt Romney who somehow got remote access to my 3D printer and keeps printing out sex dolls of himself for me to ♥♥♥♥ with the words "closest I'll let myself get" etched around the rim of his ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

These politicians are sick if they think America's gonna put up with obvious abuse of civil rights. Just the other day I was jerking off to a hot 3some scene when Obama popped into the corner of the video and started giving me stroke advice. What the ♥♥♥♥ people id this how you want to live??? Fight back and get your home checked for bugs, and next time Jimmy Fallon sends you pictures of his taint saying "Hey you wanna lock snakes?" you tell him NO. NO JIMMY FALLON, ♥♥♥♥ YOU. SO GET YOUR HOUSES CHECKED YOU FOOLS! CHECK CRAIGSLISt