Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.
[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]
Shrek: What a load of--
[Toilet Door slams]
Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.
[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]
Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪
[Shouting]
Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪
[Belches]
Villagers: Go! Go!
[Record Scrating]
Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪
Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!
Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?
Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
Villager 3: No!
Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
[Gasping]
Villager 3: Right.
[Roaring]
[Shouting]
[Roaring]
[Roaring Continues]
[Shouting Continues]
Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.
[Gasping]
Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]
Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!
[Gasps]
Guard 2: Move it along. Come on! Get up!
Captain of the Guards: Next!
Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.
Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
Guard 4: Get up!
Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.
Guard 5: Come on!
[Thudding]
Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!
Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.
Donkey: Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
Old Lady: Oh, shut up!
Donkey: Oh!
Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?
Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Captain of the Guards: Next.
Pinocchio: Help me!
Captain of the Guards: What have you got?
Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.
[Grunts]
Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Captain of the Guards: Well?
Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--
Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.
Old Lady: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!
Peter Pan: He can fly!
Pigs: He can fly!
Captain of the Guards: He can talk!
Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.
Captain of the Guards: Seize him!
Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!
[Grunts, Gasps]
Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!
Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!
Shrek: Aye?
Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.
Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?
[Gasps, Whimpering]
Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!
Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!
Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.
Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.
Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
[Roaring]
Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.
Shrek: Why are you following me?
Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪
Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?
Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: Nope.
Shrek: Really?
Donkey: Really, really.
Shrek: Oh.
Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek: Uh, Shrek.
Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to like in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know. Can I stay with you?
Shrek: Uh, what?
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course!
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.
Donkey: Ah! Thank you!
Shrek: What are you-- No. No.
Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.
Shrek: Oh!
Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?
Shrek: Outside!
Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪
[Bubbling]
[Sighs]
[Creaking]
Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?
Donkey: I am outside.
[Clattering]
[Clattering]
Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
Gorder: What a lovely bed.
Shrek: Got ya.
Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.
Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]
Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.
Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?
Gorder: How did you know?
Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey!
[Snickers]
Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]
Wolf: What?
Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?
Wolf: Aah!
Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.
[Cackling]
[Cackling Continues]
Shrek: What?
Girl: Quit it. Don't push.
[Squeaking]
[Lows]
Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?
[Gasping]
Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.
[Sighs]
Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.
Pinocchio: Gosh, no one invited us.
Shrek: What?
Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.
Shrek: By who?
Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he singed an eviction notice.
Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.
[Murmuring]
Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.
Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Anyone?
Donkey: Me! Me! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all Fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
[Cheering]
[Twittering]
[Cheering Continues]
Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.
Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind, big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪
Shrek: What did I say about singing?
Donkey: Can I whistle?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Can I hum it?
Shrek: All right. Hum it.
♪♪ [Humming]
[Gurgling]
[Coughing]
Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.
[Coughing]
Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!
Gingy: You're a monster.
Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingy: Eat me!
[Spits]
Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--
Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?
Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingy: The muffin man.
Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.
Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingy: The muffin man!
Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.
[Door Opens]
Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.
Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
[Man Grunting]
[Gasping]
Gingy: Oh.
Farquaad: Magic Mirror.
Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!
Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?
Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.
Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying
Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
Farquaad: Go on.
Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome, Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?
Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!
Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, Number three!
Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]
Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪
Farquaad: Princess Fiona.
Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪
Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--
Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
Farquaad: I'll do it.
Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.
Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.
Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.
Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.
Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]
Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
Shrek: Hey, you!
[Screams]
Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--
[Whimpering]
[Sighs]
[Whimpering, Groans]
[Turnstile Clatters]
[Chuckles]
[Sighs]
♪♪ [Instrumental Music]
Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.
[Crea