My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”


So I said “Well, probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

I got my son a trampoline. Thought he'd love it. But nooooo

He just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: “Hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared”
Man: “How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...



FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked "How many potatoes would you like?"






I said, "I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid ♥♥♥♥♥".