Cave Johnson's Pre-Recorded Messages

Due to a virtual plague of Cave Johnson doubles, impostors and time-travelling doppelgangers, I feel that it is time to put down on my Pre-Recorded Message Sphere the list of requirements to be a REAL Cave Johnson.

One: Moonrock smoothies.

It seems that all of my temporal doubles and/or impostors have forgotten the pure joy of a slightly grainy Moonrock Smoothie. Nothing can pick up a real Cave Johnson more than a cup of that granulated gray goop. While it is true that the slightly acidic nature of the mixture burns up more than a few spoons, a true Captain of Science and Industry, such as myself, can afford a few spoons in order to have the best drink millions of dollars can buy.

Two: Demands The Best from his Employees

Whether you are human, robot, or some sort of corrupter personality sphere, Cave Johnson demands perfection from all of you. There is no crying in SCIENCE. There will be no coddling, empathy, sympathy or un-scientific hardware gifted until all of the assigned SCIENCE has been dutifully completed. Any employees caught exhibiting pansy-like behavior WILL be assigned mandatory testing and/or time in robot hell.

Three: Knows the Value of a good Deadly Laser

Lasers aren't just a Vital Testing Apparatus, they are vital to any kind of Science. A REAL man of science feels his heart skip a beat every time that snap-hiss sound reaches his ears. Only Deadly Lasers make a sound like that, none of these pansy-like targeting lasers or laser pointers can cook half a pig from twenty-five feet. A REAL Cave Johnson would spend anything to get stronger, brighter and DEADLIER Lasers for his facility.

Four: Isn't Gonna Lie To You

I'm not the type of person do downplay the dangers that you will face here at Aperture. We will attempt to crush, burn, accelerate, de-accelerate, irradiate, poison and shoot you. That is just how SCIENCE gets done around here. We don't waste our tests on Lab Rats and monkeys, we throw them right at you. Sure, we may lose of a few of you to a series of unfortunate accidents, but they all provide valuable Test Data that we couldn't get otherwise.

Five: Knows Mercy is Weakness

I don't like to pander to those Test Subjects that scream about things like 'Safety Regulation,' 'I want to go home!,' and 'I need my liver back!' If you can't stand a little experimental surgery then stay out of the Aperture Medical Ward. This is no place for the weak. Only real paragons, such as Astronauts, War Heroes and/or Olympians know the level of perfection demanded by SCIENCE. If you give those pesky Test Subjects a safety rail, then next thing you know a whole slew of them want the rails in every chamber. Then they want lighter Companion Cubes and Less-than-deadly Lasers. You all know how I feel about THAT!

Six: Maintains Professionalism

A true Captain of Science and Industry is not an office philanderer, nor does he partake in lowly pranks or jokes. He remains FOCUSED on actual science. It is a tough job to reign in a couple dozen Corrupt Cores, a giant Turret Robot and a pesky Test Subject that hasn't died yet, but someone has to do it. Not to mention the frequent backtalk and complaints from the Lab Boys about how his latest idea violates six laws of physics. A Real Cave Johnson can balance all of these forces with clear, precise language and a surprising lack of vulgarity.

Seven: Loves his Pre-Recorded Messages

My Pre-Recorded Message are like my children, I love every single one of them. I do my best to make sure that every message that is recorded is at least 95% accurate and 83% helpful to at least one Test Subject. Even this Pre-Recorded message must measure up to a high standard of pre-recorded message-ness. Any Cave Johnson impostor who spams useless drivel should be ashamed of himself. Every word should be used for the betterment of SCIENCE!