I have my own discord channel now!
If you wanna join:

https://discord.gg/XAXCH3P

If you still want to see a life signal of me from time to time: Follow my Instagram! It's one of the few platforms where I am still active:

https://www.instagram.com/ines.alexafleur/

Everyone that didn't read my long post on Twitter yet and was wondering why I stopped streaming:


So I kept you guys waiting for a long time to give you this update on the current situation so here it is.

(Reading through this again this sounds awful negative! Streaming is a lot of fun! I love my community and the things that we experienced together! Didn’t mean to write something that negative but there it is, lol! Keep in mind: I LOVE YOU !!!)

As far as you may have noticed I am not streaming anymore. This has different reasons and may be a little complicated.

To myself, I myself am a really ambitious person and through my ambition and drive to achieve something I usually get what I was looking for. You guys may have noticed that before. I am a perfectionist, that wants to have all the strings in their hands and I think about an outcome of an situation in the best way and if it comes differently I am quite disappointed. On a sidenote a few years back I was suffering from severe depression for several months following different events that mainly were linked to rejection. That’s that for the past which may explain the following.
Starting out on twitch it was just something I did for fun. But being a really ambitious person my main goal soon was to get the subbutton. So I worked pretty hard daily to produce new innovative content and to entertain you guys the best way I can. I thought I was doing a pretty good job and about 2 years ago people said you would get the subbutton if you have 5k followers. So I applied and got rejected. I was pretty devastated. And stopped streaming for a few weeks until my drive and motivation came back to power through this again. So again I was trying to be creative, entertaining and the numbers said I would be. But after applying multiple times I got rejected over and over again.

In the past I also couldn’t deal with rejection that easily so with every time I was getting a little bit more depressed. You guys might think: HEY she is playing video games for a job, earning money and having fun on the outside how can she be depressed. Let me tell you. It is rather hard to tell that someone is depressed when he is not saying it straight to your face. Some people are good in hiding it, smiling it off even when they feel sad inside.

And while I was streaming for my goals on a daily basis for 4-8 hours a day I was working in the lab for 8 hours, not having a private life what so ever. And by doing this I more and more got burnt out and depressed without even noticing because I was so busy streaming and doing my lab work that I didn’t have time to think about anything else.

So at the end of last year Deo and I moved together and by doing that I wasn’t able to use my computer for a week because of the move. And in that time I realized that I don’t miss streaming at all. So I was getting happier and happier. Coming back to streaming I expected too much, I thought there would be thousands welcoming me back but well the streams weren’t that fun for me anymore. That was an overall problem, I prepared a nice and big stream and expected too much but in the end (especially when you do cosplays etc) there are trolls hating on you and crushing your expectations.

Living with Deo now, trying to stream, doesn’t please me anymore and I kinda felt bad leaving Deo alone upstairs while I just play video games on my own downstairs.
In the end I came to the realisation that I don’t miss streaming at all. Don’t get me wrong you guys mean a lot to me and I miss the community with which I could talk daily but the negative things that come with streaming like failed expectations, trolls and negativity I didn’t miss.
Now I am quite happy with my life not that depressed anymore and I finally making bigger steps in research which also was suffering from my streaming. I have to think about the bigger goal. If I wanted to make an impact in the dota esports community I would have needed to quit my job/ditching my doctoral degree. But I love research more than I love dota and my goal in life always was to have my own lab and run my research ideas. So I am chasing after that dream now and this one is far more realistic.

That is for my personal feelings involved in that matter. Furthermore: Dota is not the game to stream and most people don’t like to watch a noob play dota. If they watch they want to see a tournament or a pro play it. The thing is: I am a noob, I just want to have fun with my friends and give a damn about mmr and such things. You may say: yeah but you could do so! “Stream and have fun with your friends” – It is not so easy for me to do that, I always have a plan and expect something from the stream even if I told myself before that I just want to have fun with my friends. Other people (not my lovely viewers) cared too much and gave negative responses when they figured out that I was low mmr. Reacting like you weren’t allowed to even stream dota when you are under 5k. Before I started streaming we barely played MMR and when I got salty I didn’t play for a few weeks. With streaming, even if I was that salty that I was literally crying over games I lost, I needed to come back the next day to play again, even when I didn’t feel that way. By now I don’t play dota anymore. It’s just not fun for me anymore, but maybe one day it will come back.

Ashni already gave some tips to people that want to start streaming and that maybe want to be bigger involved in the dota community. So my tipps are:

1) You suffer from depression or you lean towards depression? Think about it twice. You will have times that disappoint you. But also times where you are flying sky high. Are you ready to do so?
2) Be patient! Patience is the key on twitch!
3) LUCK! Luck in that matter: be online and streaming on a good time. While not so many others are. Or sometimes just someone randomly famous clicks on your stream and likes it/hosts it/whatever.
4) You wanna play dota and become a famous streamer? – Better be good dude. Otherwise you will have to deal with: “Oh you are 3k. What a noob streamer. BYE!”
5) Be patient!

In the end I want to thank you all for the crazy year and a half that we had. You guys made it special for me even if the first part may not sound like it. But I love every member of my community and you guys need to know that you can still reach out to me whenever you need something even if it is just small talk, idk! I love my community and I think this was needed for you guys to understand that there are not just happy clouds to everything.

Feel loved and my last tip: “Do more of what makes you happy!

XOXO Alexa

Sorry guys, as I always say on stream I cant add you all to my friendslist. This is why I invite you at least to the group, that you have a way to communicate with me and join my games! This is not a dickmove at all, I just can't add you all to my friendslist. This group has over 700 members and my friendslist is not capable to accept everyone. I hope you guys understand <3

I am sick again! Will not stream again today, sorry folks! Will be back tomorrow! Be sure to check out my new years ideas! So i can plan for the little tournament!