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Btw. if that's any help here: I'm using Windows 8.1 64bit. (Portal is still 32bit of course)
Not quite sure what your problem is... :( other then being on Windows 8.1 (I'm on 8) I know SFX had some issues with 8.1 and DX11/64 bit games, neither of which Portal 2 is.. sooooo ya this is odd, copy paste your "d3d9.log" file or change it to "d3d9.tracelog" and re-run the game again then send that file my way.
I do have those programs but neither of them are running. I will do the above said tracelog now, thanks!
Here's the tracelog from starting the game till it crashes at the loading screen.
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/35619092/d3d9.tracelog
Nope, I'm not using such things.