Life got you down? Do you hate yourself? Did your girlfriend leave you or did she have a threesome with your sister and brother in law without inviting you? Do you have no family and it's the holidays? Is your ♥♥♥♥ too small?? Do you have no purpose in life other than having no money? Humped a plastic cup because of your inability to get laid? Are you Canadian? Got banned from Uncyclopedia? Flaming Conservative? Pro-Life Liberal? Are you taking those anti-crazy drugs that make you crazy, just like they want you to be? Or maybe you just lost your Ipod and your mommywon't get you a new one.
Why go on living with all this gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself? Thousands have before you, and look where it got them. This is known as Suicide, a hobby that has a very limited shelf-life (literally). With a good suicide, like a good cry but dead, you can just release all that pent up guilt and bleed out. You've failed at everything else, here's your chance to be a success but get nothing for it (literally). So, here's everything you'll ever need to know to commit suicide successfully.
By clicking on the link that brought you here, you have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. We work for your relatives and enemies. But seriously, if you do not know how to take a joke, call 1-800-273-8255 in the United States, or a similar crisis line elsewhere, or just visit Wikipedia. We don't really think you should do it, because you will die, stupid, and miss out on lots of the sex which, if nothing else, you could buy in the future when you scrape some money together. Or the next pizza, have you thought of pizza? But deep down, you don't want to die (literally). In fact, every study done of people who try to kill themselves and fail say that almost every one changes their mind as the end nears. Don't do that, because now you know about it, and you will change your mind as you die, which is not a cool place to find yourself. But if you insist:
Some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others and some may be totally ineffective. Since you've waived your rights to any and all legal recourse, any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.
If you still want someone to point you to the meaning of life, there are plenty of cults whose priests will eagerly feed you manufacturer approved thoughts so that you may make the most intelligent and balanced decision on what to make with your life.