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Calicifer's reviews Calicifer
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29 November, 2021
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The Amorous Adventures of Bold Sir Hans Capon
Originally posted by Feral goose from the bushes:
Gentle night, why linger on? I earned this from my love so long, Whip out your worthy, silky breasts, Who shall suck my salty bits?

I know my horses sort of well, Some alcohol from nine to twelve. Seems I always have who.res apart, From the mistress of my heart.

Landlord, let me not wait in vain, I long to sing and laugh again. Oh gentle sir, get off your chair, I shall not bring you another beer!

A textbook example of how not to do a DLC

Developers from Warhorse Studios are a grade A morons for making this DLC. They made such stupid, amateurish, intern level mistakes that it makes me wonder if there are even any senior leadership there. All of their DLCs tend to be botched in one way or another. This one reminds us all that even basic mistakes as not touching burning fire with your hands are lessons which need to be learned by some people.

☠️The tragedy of Kindom Come DLCs☠️
The thing with their DLCs is that they often aren't even bad. They could be great, but one or another stupid decision lead to an entire DLC being incredibly bad. Some DLCs are tedious. Others are buggy. Some of them are poorly placed in game. Others have great ideas and concepts, but are niche.

Same applies to game in general. Monestary quest probably took a lot of time and effort to do, but it is absolutely infuriating, boring and tedious quest to do. It is also the one most unique and interesting quest I had seen throughout my life. If only developers had a foresight to make it optional and warn players that it will be tedious. Then it could had been amazing as people could opt in on their own. However, when placed as a mandatory part of a main story line, players absolutely despise it and just cheese it. Thus ruining the game and immersion. Developers are full of ideas which are great on paper, great in practice, but are implemented and placed in a game seemingly in the worst way possible. It is a rare combination of attributes which all their DLCs have in common.

🔥What is so evil about this DLC?🔥
As anyone who read the first review of this DLC could had guessed already, it is placed right at the end credits. You complete the entire game. You ride out of the map. All it is left is to ride out to the sunset. Then this loser wants to get some strange and of course you must do everything. You cannot say no, game does not allow you to progress it. This instantly alienates half of the community. You already finished game. You were asked to ride out of the map and this loser won't let you roll the credit until you get him some syphilis.

So, this DLC is placed in the worst possible place possible. I don't know what developers were thinking. There is some serious lack of oversight in this studio and this is exactly the reason why developers cannot be trusted to develop a game without a manager or two. But enough of that. The second reason is the content of this DLC. First it is introduced as something that Hans could easily have done at his free time. Something which doesn't have to involve him. Unserious nature of his request frustrates even more people. If he would had come with some serious reason, people would be a lot more forgiving. Now it sounds just as a waste of time to even engage with this DLC.

The third reason why this content sucks is that it places the worst aspects of its gameplay to the front.
  1. You have to do fetch quests by going to distant places to talk with person X which of course will not solve the quest and will direct you to 10 extra steps first.

  2. You are dragged into quest chains by NPCs which have no reason to give that quest in a first place. Motivation of other people are bizarre and unnatural. After recovering the necklace, I honestly couldn't recall why I need to give this quest critical item to him, a body guard to whom this item is absolutely of no importance. It is contrived and arcadey scenarios which makes absolutely no sense.

  3. Then game has its own mini-game with dice. As rule, all in game mini-games tend to be absolutely horrible. Caravan in New Vegas, Gwent in Witcher 3. They all suck immensely. Farkle is no exception. Not only rules are not clear and I would be unable to proceed with a game for no apparent reason as seen in picture below. Game also doesn't properly teach you how to play it, but it keeps on bringing in its gameplay. An optional mini-game which is completely unlike the main game and on top of it, it ain't that good. What is worse, nobody ever tells you what those extra dice are and that you were supposed to cheat and no one will ever call you out on that. NPCs supposedly cheat too.

    So, a poorly explained mini-game which only a minority will like. Ones which is forced on you at various times and completely unexplained and you could get by just by losing few matches before. Yet now you are expected to enter to an entire tournament! Against band of bandits who cheat to no end of course!
    https://gtm.steamproxy.vip/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3435877378
  4. Then you are given a task to fetch a love potion. One which makes you deal with unsavory individual with whom you want to have no business with. Game then forces you into getting suckered and paying king's ransom to charlatan. You can't ask him to make it and then kill him instead of paying him. Or buying some distilled alcohol with herbs and pretending it is this fabled love potion. You are forced into being scammed if you just want to get be done with it. To make matters worse, those clueless halfwits who call themselves developers also had added ways to screw up yourself in dialogue too and to double price of a potion to even more ridiculous heights. And once again, it isn't something aggressive or obvious. It is a small dialogue option about which you might not think twice about it.

    The saddest part about it, I heard that it is a really good sub-quest. Shame that I won't be playing it. I wish that I could shove that unironically good quest of theirs into developers asses. Their sore behinds might grant them some common sense next time.

  5. Then you get everything, Hans expects you to read in game book and to memorize love poems. You are later asked to recite it. Game makes an impression that it is important and you have to learn it, but it actually pointless as Hans is going to completely butcher it anyways. This is what first quote is all about. I'm not sure if you fail quest if you pick wrong options. It is really frustrating to be asked to memorize some bad poetry during my gaming and then for it to seemingly be irrelevant anyways.

    Game pulls something like that several times more. Usually you are given brain dead quest markers to follow, but on rare occassion you will be asked to think and to explore naturally. It is very frustrating when game can't decide what it wants to be. Most of the time you are solving murder mystery with quest markers guiding you where to go. That is as brain dead as it can be. However, on rare occasion game will demand you to think and to find things organically. It is fun and well done, but this lack of consistency in game is very frustrating.
The Tragedy

This is actually a very entertaining DLC. Its content is well done. With just a little more polish here and there it could had been amazing. It takes exceptional talent to fail so much. All of its negative reception and hatred towards it is due to how absolutely abysmally it is integrated into base game. This screams to be an optional content which Henry does as favor to Hans before they depart. That would had solved most of its issues, but Mr.Common Sense obviously is not employed at Warhorse Studios.

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Last edited by Nightbringer; 28 Feb @ 12:24pm