First Half:
Coach put me on defence, right-back.

Kick-off

Cleared Ball

Opposition all want ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and charged, own goal scored by a defending header after rattling the bar.

1-0

3 opposing players just did a legendary pass-and-shoot thing and scored after a legendary dive, they got it on the rebound

2-0

Midget ran all the way down the side of the pitch with the ball, blocked

Massive kid just shoulder-barged everyone out the way and took a shot, bounced off the post, midget went for shot and didn't miss

3-0

4 of our players charge foreward with the ball and some mongs decided to have a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ chat in the middle, ball got taken, then midget 1 and midget 2 run down, shot gets blocked, then I "clear" it over a fence and into a back garden

At least 5 mins wasted trying to get the ball

Throw-in, I block midget, but massive kid just brushes me off, and scores after taking 2 pot-shots that were saved.

4-0

Final Score: 4-0

First Half finished, coach tells us we were "dreadful"
Luckily, no-one blamed me despite me doing ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Second Half:

Considering our goalie let in 4 out of 6 shots, and no other goalie was available, I was chosen. nearly pissed me pants.

Kick-off, 3 opposition run down the pitch, I saved it by slamming my palm into the ball and right at my defender's feet, who then megged[www.urbandictionary.com] an attacker then passed it to a midfielder, who then passed it onto an attacker, who scored on in the top-corner.

4-1

Overly aggressive midfielder tackles an attacker, runs past most of the defence, goes for the shot, but opposition goalkeeper frogs it and leaps across the goal to save it. It bounces off his hand and over the bar, so it's a corner ball.

Corner ball gets intercepted by defender, defender passes to attacker, and the attacker makes a run for it, and shoots. I just save it with my fingertips, and my defence tries to kick it away, but it goes right to a midget, who tries to header it, but I just slap it away, and my defence clears it and the overly agressive midfielder gets a good cross in and an attacker scores a goal.

4-2

We get possesion again, and score pretty effortlessly.

4-3

The opposition gets possession and run down, my brilliant defender is needing a drink, so he goes off. I think massive guy is going to shoot, but he toepokes a pass, then a midget scores inbetween my legs.

5-3

We get possesion again, it gets cleared, and 2 midgets are closing in.
One defender marks the other midget who is waiting for a pass, and the unmarked midget takes a shot. It's low and I kick it away, but the marked midget gets it.
Marked midget is still being marked, and the defender lightly kicks the ball towards me (midget still going for it) and screams at me to boot it. I oblige, and it's at my midfielder's feet. He dashes down and passes it to some random kid who replaced someone, who then scores in the bottom corner.

5-4

Opposition gets it, but defence pressures massive kid into the corner, who then tries to cross it. It bounces off the post, and I grabbed the ball just as an attacker tires to kick it, which results in me having a very sore shoulder. I then throw it up and kick it as hard as I could, which results in it going stupidly far, and nearly scores a goal. Opposition goalie passes ball to his defence, but the overly aggressive midfielder scores.

5-5

Ref screams "3 minutes!"
3 players take a break, it's 2 of the defenders and the overly aggressive midfielder.
Essentially, we are ♥♥♥♥♥♥.

4 opposing attackers make a mad charge, passing it between one another. The remaining defender can't react or even catch up, but I save it and boot it away. Opposing goalkeeper makes an amazing save, and the same 4 players make the mad charge again.
Attacker makes an amazing goal against me, by dumming it then just curling it with amazing force into the top-left corner, and they win.

Final score 6-5.
I shake hands with opposing coach and team.
I get congratulated on my decent goalkeeping, and we all laugh about how ♥♥♥♥ we were in the first half.