Dear Valve/Steam Team,

I hope this email reaches you during one of your legendary update brainstorming sessions, or perhaps while you’re reading community proposals and saying, “Wow, why didn’t we think of that?” — because this is one of those emails.

As a proud, slightly obsessed TF2 Spy main, I’ve developed an update concept so good it might single-handedly resurrect the player base, crash the market, and make Spy mains even more unbearable (in the best way).

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1. The Butterfly Knife Comb — Assassination, but Make It Fashion

This is no ordinary weapon. This is style incarnate. A butterfly knife that’s secretly a comb. Equipping it grants:
• +50% flame resistance, because fabulous hair deserves protection.
• A new taunt: “Combing Through the Hair.”

Spy flips open the comb with suave precision, runs it through his flawless hair, and gives a look that says, “Yes, I’m better than you.”

To support this, obviously, we need a new cosmetic where Spy’s hair sticks out through the balaclava. Just a little slicked-back tuft poking out like he’s too cool to follow mask protocol.

And now… the crown jewel:

There’s a 1 in 10,000,000,000 chance during the taunt that Spy will actually take off his balaclava, revealing “The Real Spy.”

This would be an event so rare that players would stop fighting mid-match. Servers would collectively gasp. Reddit would implode. Someone would upload the footage to YouTube with a 3-second clip stretched to 12 minutes for ad revenue.

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2. The 3D-Printed Butterfly Knife — Crits, Chaos, and Craftsmanship

This is the knife for Spies who think subtlety is for cowards.
• Critical hits from any direction, because why not?
• Shatters instantly on use, forcing you to restock like a daring lunatic.

It’s bold, fragile, and perfectly ridiculous.

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Bonus: Cosmetic Perfection

This update wouldn’t be complete without Spy’s hair cosmetic. Whether it’s poking through the mask or fully revealed during that legendary 1-in-10-billion taunt, this is peak TF2 energy. Picture it: a whole team wiped out, and all they can remember is the glint of perfectly combed hair.

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My Totally Reasonable Request

If (when) you implement these genius ideas, I’m not asking for much. No special title. No rare “Visionary” hat.

All I want is a Spycrab cosmetic.
That’s it.
Spycrab or bust.

Because at the end of the day, I’m not in it for fame. I’m in it for fashion, chaos… and crabs.

Thank you for your time, and I eagerly await this update’s release in the distant future (or next Tuesday, whichever works).

With stylish regards and astronomically rare balaclava removal,
[Coolguy]
TF2 Spy Main | Future Spycrab Owner