Its funyyyyy

It's bland. The mini games are fun but everything else is meh. Music, graphics, the lack of sound effects, overall presentation. I'd give it mixed if I could.

Review Title: “PUMMEL PARTY: THE BORING APOCALYPSE (0/5)”

LET ME START BY SAYING THIS: PUMMEL PARTY IS THE SINGLE MOST BORING, SOUL-CRUSHING EXPERIENCE I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF INSTALLING. IF BOREDOM WAS A SPORT, THIS GAME WOULD BE THE UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION. I BOUGHT IT THINKING IT WOULD BE A FUN PARTY GAME. INSTEAD, I GOT A SNOOZE-FEST NIGHTMARE THAT MAKES ME REGRET EXISTING.

EVERY TURN IS EXACTLY THE SAME: YOU ROLL DICE, MOVE, AND HOPE FOR SOMETHING INTERESTING. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. THE GAME DEMANDS ZERO ATTENTION, ZERO STRATEGY, AND ZERO FUN. I DON’T EVEN WAIT TO GO BACK TO TIKTOK AFTER MY TURN—MY BRAIN AUTOMATICALLY SCREAMS: “I’M OUT. TIME TO SCROLL!” THAT’S RIGHT, PUMMEL PARTY IS SO BORING THAT IT MAKES YOUR PHONE MORE INTERESTING THAN YOUR COMPUTER.

THE MINI-GAMES? A TOTAL JOKE. CLUNKY CONTROLS, MEANINGLESS OBJECTIVES, AND A LEVEL OF MONOTONY THAT MAKES YOU QUESTION YOUR LIFE CHOICES. I HAVE FELT MORE EXCITEMENT WATCHING MY COFFEE COOL. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE BOARD GAME ELEMENT. THERE IS NO STRATEGY, NO THRILL, NO MOMENT OF TRIUMPH. JUST ROLL, MOVE, WAIT, AND YAWN. I COULD FALL ASLEEP MID-TURN AND MISS NOTHING.

I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH: I PLAY PUMMEL PARTY WHILE WATCHING TIKTOK. THAT’S RIGHT. THE GAME IS THE SIDE SHOW. TIKTOK IS THE MAIN EVENT. HOW BAD IS THAT? THE GAME IS SO UNDERWHELMING THAT IT MAKES YOU QUESTION WHY VIDEO GAMES EVEN EXIST.

THE HUMOR? IT’S FORCED, AWKWARD, AND COMPLETELY FALLS FLAT. THE CHARACTERS TRY TO BE QUIRKY, BUT IT’S LIKE WATCHING SOMEONE READ A JOKE THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND. I LAUGHED ONCE—ACCIDENTALLY—WHEN I REALIZED HOW PATHETIC THIS GAME ACTUALLY IS. MY FRIENDS AND I WEREN’T EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE GAME; WE WERE DISCUSSING TIKTOKS, FOOD, WEATHER—ANYTHING ELSE. THAT’S HOW LITTLE PUMMEL PARTY CARES ABOUT ENTERTAINING YOU.

EVERY ROUND FEELS LIKE TIME WARPED INTO AN ETERNAL VOID. IT’S LIKE THE GAME KNOWS HOW BORING IT IS AND SAYS, “LET’S MAKE THIS SUFFERING LAST FOREVER.” I COULD HAVE CLEANED MY WHOLE HOUSE, WALKED MY DOG, LEARNED A NEW LANGUAGE, OR STARTED A BUSINESS IN THE TIME I SPENT ON THIS DISASTER. AND YET, HERE I AM, STUCK, SUFFERING, WISHING FOR DELETION.

THE DESIGN? MEDIOCRE. THE GRAPHICS? GENERIC. THE MUSIC? AN AUDITORY PUNISHMENT. NOTHING ABOUT THIS GAME IS REMOTELY EXCITING OR MEMORABLE. IT DOESN’T HAVE THE CHARM OF A GOOD PARTY GAME, THE FUN OF A MINI-GAME COMPILATION, OR THE STRATEGIC DEPTH OF A BOARD GAME. IT HAS…MONOTONY. PURE, UNADULTERATED MONOTONY.

IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE FUN WITH FRIENDS, THINK AGAIN. THIS GAME IS A SOCIAL BLACK HOLE. YOU DON’T INTERACT, YOU DON’T COMPETE, YOU JUST EXIST. IT’S A VIDEO GAME THAT MAKES YOU QUESTION YOUR EXISTENCE. AFTER 30 MINUTES, YOU WON’T EVEN REMEMBER YOU WERE PLAYING. THE ONLY THING YOU’LL REMEMBER IS THE DESPERATE SCROLL BACK TO TIKTOK.

AND THE WORST PART? IT PRETENDS TO BE FUN. IT PRETENDS TO BE A PARTY. IT DOESN’T CARE ABOUT FUN. IT DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ENGAGEMENT. IT CARES ABOUT ONE THING: MAKING YOU REGRET OPENING YOUR STEAM LIBRARY. I SWEAR, I THINK THIS GAME WAS DEVELOPED BY SOMEONE WHO HATES HUMANITY AND WANTS US ALL TO FALL ASLEEP MID-TURN.

FINAL VERDICT: 0/5 STARS. THIS GAME IS A NIGHTMARE. A SNOOZE FEST. A WASTE OF TIME. A TORTURE DEVICE. IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY, YOUR TIME, OR ANY SHRED OF FUN IN YOUR LIFE, DO NOT PLAY PUMMEL PARTY. UNINSTALL IMMEDIATELY. BURN YOUR COPY. THROW YOUR COMPUTER OUT THE WINDOW IF YOU MUST. DO ANYTHING BUT PLAY THIS ABOMINATION.

IN CONCLUSION, PUMMEL PARTY IS THE VIDEO GAME EQUIVALENT OF WATCHING GRASS GROW, PAINT DRY, AND YOUR LIFE SLIP AWAY ALL AT ONCE. RUN. SCREAM. SCROLL BACK TO TIKTOK. BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE THE REAL ACTION IS.