“Finding love is a numbers game.”

Yeah? ♥♥♥♥ that ♥♥♥♥. That line alone sums up everything that pisses me off about this game—and real dating.

I sat down to Five Dates thinking it’d be a bit of fun. Some FMV rom-com here, some choices there, easy ♥♥♥♥. Girls come to me babyyyyyy.
What I got was something else entirely. There were moments I literally stood up, hands on my head, like what the actual ♥♥♥♥ just happened?
It felt so real—that brutal, awkward, tense kind of real where you’re walking a tightrope the entire time. Like “oh my god, when will it end?!”

You meet a girl. You talk. You make choices. You try not to ♥♥♥♥ it up. Welcome to dating hell.

Vinny’s a good guy, sure. But let’s be real—I played as myself. That’s why it hit so hard. Every choice I made came from my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ irrelevant values. And when that didn’t land well?
Sorry, Vinny.
I could see it on his face—the awkward pause, the disappointment. Like “♥♥♥♥, why did I say that?”
That’s not just a mechanic. That’s what it feels like when you open up on a real date and get met with dead silence or a weird look.

Oh, you wanted to “win”? ♥♥♥♥ yourself. Next time, put the mask on and tell her how you love yoga or hiking or whatever ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ people lie about on Tinder.
I’ve played choice-driven games before—The Witcher 3, Quantic Dream stuff. But nothing ever pissed me off like this. Because this? This ♥♥♥♥’s too real.

I ended up with Maya. It just worked, even though I didn’t really try that hard. It felt like two people actually clicking. Natural, simple.
Then there was Grace. Jesus Christ. Cold, cagey, full of mixed signals and logic that made zero ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sense. I couldn’t read her at all. It felt like she was constantly testing me for... what? Compatibility? Or just for the thrill of the confusion?

And Saffron? No. Just no. I’m not gonna play your lunar crystal mushroom fanfic yoga game, girl. She lives on another planet. I was genuinely relieved that date ended fast. I didn’t have the energy for her cosmic soup vibes or whatever the hell that was.

The game sells itself as a “lockdown dating sim,” but honestly? I didn’t give a ♥♥♥♥. It barely matters.
What did matter was how immersive it was. The whole video call setup? Way more intense than expected. And yeah, I’ve done awkward Zoom dates—I know the vibe. This nailed it.

The acting? Solid. Especially Vinny. My man, my boy—sorry for the hell I put you through.
The other performances were fine, but he carried the game. You feel what he feels. It hits.

Those Truth or Dare scenes? Chaos. Especially with Grace. Every single one of those dates felt like a mini panic attack. The game could’ve gone even further, and I wish it did.

Like imagine this: a girl dares you to share your screen and message your last contact—your buddy who you just messaged about her.
And she sees it. Sees the real-time gossip.
The setup was already there. But they didn’t go there. Missed opportunity.

Five Dates nails the performance of dating. It’s not about love. It’s about playing the game, adapting, stats, knowing when to lie, when to shut up, when to nod and smile.
Be real? Get burned.
Play the game? Maybe win.
Either way—it’s a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

This isn’t a “fun” game. It’s a stressful, messy, sometimes painfully relatable experience.
And that’s exactly why it’s worth playing.

Sorry, Vinny.


Did another run.
It confirmed everything I thought the first time.
Tweaking the stats and choosing a different path is interesting, but honestly? Not that exciting.

But oh god... I was so on point with some of my impressions.
It’s even worse.
In a good way.