Before we start this guide I would like to assure you that if you aren't satisfied after this guide I will personally pay you the money back for your CS:GO game. All you have to do is follow the steps in the guide and your friends will start treating you like a God.

Originally posted by author:

My name is mausi and I have been playing CS:S since 2006 and CS:GO since BETA. I know everything there is to know about both games, and you can add me at all times to ask me anything and be shocked at how ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ smart I am <3.

A lot of people falsely believe that you actually have to be good at CS:GO to appear good, but don't worry my friends, I am here to prove them wrong!

Before you can start with STEP 1 you first need to buy the game. It is basically the cheapest game in the universe, except for a bunch of other games. What I am trying to say is even autistic people can afford the game, so that shouldn't be an issue for you :)

Before we start I want you to think of all the people who called you bad in the past and how you are going to be better than them shortly. When you have got yourself in the mood for destruction I want you to go on to STEP 1 and show those jews what you are capable of!

You are probably thinking "Hey dude, my name is already cool!" but that is sadly not the case.

Don't lose hope yet. There is an easy way to find a cool name. First of all you have to make sure that your name doesn't contain any of the following words: Pro, Killer, Sniper, Dragon, Yolo, Shooter, Poker, Guy, Slayer or Nicolas Cage.

The next thing to do is make sure your name doesn't end with any combination of numbers and especially NOT 420.

If you are clear on those two, you are pretty much good to go. If you still don't have a good name you can look to a thing you like in real life and alter the meaning of it. (I have a friend named Breez, obviously named after the famous beverage Bacardi Breezer). That is a brilliant way to identify your own name with something you like in your everyday life.

You are probably wondering why you need to spend money to appear good. But the fact is, if your rank is still Silver and you do not have any cool weapons people are going to assume that you are a noob, and that is exactly what you want to avoid.

The golden chart of weapons

You will find out later in this guide why it is essential that you acquire a knife. Without a knife skin you will always be looked at as a noob. Everyone who has ever played CS:GO knows that skill doesn't actually matter when determining whether someone is a noob or a pro. However, if someone has a knife that doesn't necessarily make them a pro.

In STEP 2 you acquired cool weapons. If you managed to get your hands on any Asiimov weapons, you are now considered a cool person in the game. People will spectate you and think to themselves "Wow, that dude has an Asiimov weapon, he is probably good at this game." and that means you are getting there! Good job!

Even if you are running towards a potentially dangerous place in the given map. Switching weapons makes you look cool, and also for some reason people associate the skill of pressing Q with being good at the game. It is a great trick that you have to use to show people how good you are with your new weapons.

Make sure to switch between pressing Q and F. Q to switch back to the knife and F to show it off to potential spectators! This will make people want you in a sexual way.

You were probably wondering, even with your cool weapons and your awesome name, how you were going to cheat people into actually thinking you are good at the aiming part of the game too. Here is the solution: Stay behind your teammates. When your teammates push out towards the enemies you simply wait to see if they die. If your teammates die, the enemies are probably damaged enough for you to simply pop the last bullet in their legs and kill them off, making you look like the better player.

If everything goes against you, and the fanatic religious person in front of you dies when he tries to pick off the enemy, you have to remain calm. If you happen to be the last person remaining on your team, remember to switch your weapons all of the time, but also make sure you hide behind a corner acting like you are going to save the weapon.

We've all been in the situation... Some animal rights defender tries to call out your bad play by calling you a noob or saying that you suck at aiming.

If he gets mad after this simply ignore him, as you now have the upper hand no matter what he says.

If you have better comebacks (which i highly doubt) you are free to use them instead. Just make sure that you don't get into a fight with the other person. Everyone hates fights.

This is not as important as the other steps, but it is still worth to mention.

If you want to appear pro, you should get your steam profile to at least LEVEL 20, so you can add custom things, like a description of how awesome you are. If you choose to make a description of yourself, remember to put that you only accept people who are also cool. You might have to specify that what you mean is:
If you still don't feel like your profile is as cool as it could be, you can always add random gifs to a showcase, and brag to people about how cool they are.

Literally the coolest profile in the history of mankind

You probably assumed that you could be good at CS:GO without wearing a clan tag. I am sorry to break this fact to you, but your life has been a lie so far. Most of you would probably go "Not all of my life has been a lie just because I didn't know about this single fact?" but you are wrong and now shut the hedgehog up and read the rest of this awesome guide.

Do NOT use any of the following words in your clan tag: Ninja, Killer, Fanatic, Cloud, Hell, Wolves, Nightmare, Kamikaze, Raisers, Doge or Miley Cyrus.

No clan who has ever used any of these words in their clan name has ever been close to anything that might have seemed like a tiny bit of recognition. If you ignore my warning and use any of those words anyway you will die a painful death from ebola in Africa.

Like with the name the rule about any combination of numbers in the end is the same. Especially the number 9, literally no one good has ever used 9 in the end of their clan tag.

Use ALL of the following words in your clan tag: Sniper, Shooter.

So how do you acquire a cool avatar? First of all it has to be over-edited in any crackable image manipulation software available on the internet. If you do not know how to manipulate images in photoshop-like programs I will refer you to Breez' guide on how to get a cool avatar. It pretty much explains how you become a GIANT BAG OF POTATO SEEDS WITH NO TALENT WHATSOEVER instead of just killing yourself and putting an end to everyones misery.

If you are still wondering why I didn't say anything useful in this section, it is because the answer has been right in front of you the whole time. Look at my avatar and try to immitate it. It is literally the coolest avatar the universe has ever layed eyes upon. PERIOD.

When you are going to trade with people it is very important that you never make the trade fair. The big question here is how do you do that? It is actually kind of simple. Always make sure that you only trade cheap weapons for expensive weapons. People hardly notice.

There is a simple way to make sure that you always trick the person you are going to trade with:

The golden rules of trading

If you remember to follow the golden rules of trading i can assure you that you will be swimming in success. Not only is this a bulletproof way of getting expensive weapons fast, but it is also brilliant a way of telling everyone on your friendslist that you do not give an actual extinct dinosaur about them.

At this point you will already have people telling you that you are definitely the coolest person alive except for me, of course. You probably think you have done everything that can be done to become good at CS:GO, but guess what... YOU'RE WRONG.

This final step is very important as it truly shows your skill level. Some say it is easy to obtain cool emblems, but the truth is only the best can do it. You are probably sitting around thinking your 5 Year Veteran Coin is considered a cool emblem, well think again because you are literally the dumbest person to walk this earth.

To become the good player that I have been trying to make you, you must first obtain a Pick 'Em Challenge Emblem (preferably Gold). Anyone can buy their way to a Bronze emblem, but making it all the way to Gold truly takes skill. You must know everything about the game to get a Gold emblem. First you have to guess which teams will win against opposing teams. And then after that, oh wait. THAT'S IT.

Good luck on your journey brah.

I hope you enjoyed learning how to become pro at CS:GO. It isn't that difficult after-all. If you are one of the persons who did not like this guide I would just like to say:
F*** YOU, YOU ARE AN ACTUAL BISEXUAL WOMEN'S RIGHTS DEFENDER. I HOPE YOU LITERALLY CUT YOUR LIP LIKE IN THE SIDE WHERE IT KINDA HURTS YOU KNOW.

Mausi

Now that you are pro I hope you get a bunch of new friends <3 :)