Loaf 1;1
In the beginning, there was Loaf, and he said,"Let there be rice." and there was rice. He created the ground, so wheat will grow, and the sea bass, so there will be variety. He created bread in his own image, and he removed a crumb from bread to create humans, who he destined to eat the bread. " Only then," he said," Will you be whole grain." Only in Crust you will be saved.

Gabe 1;1
Loaf has created I, and destined me, Gabe Newell, to drop out of Harvard and create Steam and Valve, to bring on the deals of anything from 0% off to 100% off, and I shall forgive you of your piracy, and I shall bring games to the people who can not pay full price.

Gabe 1;2
Loaf actually pirated multiple doom games. He has no regrets.

Loaf 1;2
He fried for your donuts, molded for your atrocities, and burned for your sins. He is our farm and botanist. Hallowed be thy grain, frosted be his soul, Loafus Crust.

Loaf 1;3
He is part of your healthy breakfast, lunch and holy dinner. Loaf is your lord and baker.

Loaf 1;4
One can live only on bread if they are whole grain, yeast they share the ways of the grain to another mortal, they shall lose their power for all of time, including the past, for loaf wants to give every other food a reason to exist.=

Loaf 2;1
If you accept Loaf, you will be baked, and taken to Bakery. If you do not accept Loaf, you will mold in Wal-Mart. Loaf has heard of Shrek, and said," This ogre is the Anti-Wheat! He is the molder! Never will he ever step in my Bakery!"


Loaf 2;2
Loaf has heard of this "Shrek is love, Shrek is life" Fad and said, "It's just a phase, but then again, we have people who worship Gadget Hackwrench, so i guess anything's possible, really. Either way, they're molding in Wal-Mart if they don't change. I'm not exactly the most forgiving of anything, especially for this $H17.

Loaf 3;1
A man approached Loafus and asked," If everything is Bread, then what is metal?" Loaf pointed to the metal and said," Metal, too, is bread. Do you see how it rusts? The air is the metal's mold, and forges are their Bakery." He pointed to the wood. " Wood is also bread; see how it weakens? It's Bakery is US; now be-gone." And the man left.

Loaf 3;2
A month or two later, while Loafus was chilling with his prophets, another man came forward, claiming he had "Disproved" loaf. "The bible says 'It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God", He said.

Loaf 3;3
Loafus had never seen this much circular reasoning before in his entire existence. He spoke back, "A book can send a message, and so can a man. A man can lie in his message, and so can a book. This bible you speak of has not been confirmeded to be the truesies. Do not speak to me with false knowledge and lies. I leave my evidence in this world for all to see, because i know there are skeptics out there, since i created them and etcetera. Curiosity will not kill the cat, and those who say it does, i warn you this: The opposite of progression is called conservatism. Do not be a conservative, for society cannot learn without knowledge to learn." He shooed the man off, as he sent to fetch some ibuprofen.

Loaf 3;4
Loaf is lazy, sometimes.

Loaf 4;1
He has a loaf for all of us.
It's all loafer now.
He will save us at the end of grains.
You will grain freedom if you follow Loafus.

Tyler 1;1
On the rare occasion, if Loaf is not present, the Magic Conch shall answer every and all of your questions. Thou Shalt Not Disobey the Magic Conch.

Tyler 1;1.5 Loaf demands that you call it the Magic Shonsh Kell for continuity and copyright purposes. For those who know where this name comes from, contact Loafus immidiately.

Tyler 1;2
Thou shall peruse no place where Cancer and contamination exists.

Tyler 1;3
Thou shalt not pass any disease, including Ebola, to Loafus or Gaben, for they are our mighty leaders and shall not be contaminated with sickness.

Tyler 1;4
Thou shall eat at least two bowls of sphagetti or any form of pasta in the span of two weeks. Malnutrition and loaf do not go together, but sphagetti and meatballs do.

Robert 1;1
All of you are now Vikings. You must watch Robbaz daily. He's funny. That's why.

Robert 1;2
Loaf demands that you watch YTP, but warns that one must watch out for spadinner jokes.

Chlopers 1;1
Chlopers was a great warrior of the Wheatist Church, defeating mighty warriors with sick burns, one of those being Keynan the Shanker.


Babbies 1;1
Eve was a fine doughnut of Loafus' creation, made out of his creation Adam, who was a breadstick. One day, Loafus wanted more of his creations, so he taught them how to make Doughnut Holes. Eve stayed ready, and Adam inserted himself into Eve's doughnut hole. Then, nine months later, came out two doughnut hole children, Cain and Abel. They were fine, fine, doughnut holes. (Loafus says: "They were sexy widdle dumplings.")

Babbies 1;2
Then one day Cain and Abel presented some sacrifices or something to loaf and Cain got pissed off at Abel that he had the better sacrifice and he got shot or something, I dunno. Cain's pissed now, if you can't tell.

Babbies 1;3
When loaf saw that ♥♥♥♥ go down, he said "What the ♥♥♥♥, Cain? I know you're mad, but in the name of me, don't ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MURDER someone just over a sacrifice!" He resurrected Abel and Cain got a spanking by gaben.

Noses 1;1
Noses was Loafus' favourite bread. He told him that the Earth would be flooded with milk. He quickly built an arc, bringing two of every bread onto the ship. And it flooded.

Noses 1;2
Noses' arc finally saw the stopping of the flood, as he let out small messenger buns out to see if it was okay. Earth had a new begining, and Loafus never flooded the Earth with milk again.

Noses 1;3
And then all of a sudden Loafus got the great idea to invent cereal, and forced everyone left in the world to eat his new creation for a whole week, mainly because he had to get it past FDA standards and needed to see if he had to change anything before he patented it.

Mushrooms 1;1
"I feel like a flying sofa."
"Q:How can party rock in the house if everybody's outside?
A:I got domino's."
"You got the mooooooose."
"Shoot for the stars. If it feels right, aim for Barack Obama."
"All i wanna see is a sky full of lies."
"Excuse me, i love ♥♥♥♥♥ you prick."
"All the other kids with the ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up ♥♥♥♥♥..."
"Is it a neck or a clitoris?"

Harriot 1:1
Ainsley Harriot's Barbecue Bible is literally the greatest published book and video series on the planet. If you're not reading it on a daily basis, wtf are you doing?

Discord 1:1
Loaf denies the rights and lives of furries. They do not belong in this world.